When Should We Move In?

Tuesday | August 25, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

When Should We Move In?

Meredith,
When is right? No, not to get married, but I would love to hear your and your readers thoughts on when is it right to move in together with a significant other. My boyfriend and I have been dating over a year and we’re starting to discuss it.
He has never lived with a significant other before. I lived with one of my exes for several years, but it obviously didn’t work out. In retrospect, I believe the relationship would have ended at least six months sooner had we not been living together so I’m somewhat wary of that happening again. In the previous situation, for practical reasons we moved in way too soon (at three months) though the first couple of years were great.
I’m worried practical reasons – cutting down both expenses in this delightful recession and the oodles of time traveling between apartments – might be coloring the discussion, but we are both very happy in the relationship and already spend virtually every night together. If it’s relevant, we’re in our early 30s and he owns (and has a larger apartment) so I’d move into his place.
I’m sure there’s a range of opinions out there from “don’t until you’re married” to “you’re already living together in two apartments,” but I’m hoping for some more concrete thoughts than vague generalizations such as “you know when you’re ready.” I know we’re not quite ready just yet, but I’m curious when folks knew it was right – or realized later why it was wrong.

– When To Split the Closet, Boston

WTSTC, there’s no specific right answer for this one, but you already know that. I will say this: it’s OK if practical reasons are a part of the decision. Practical reasons often play into why we get married, have kids, and make other big life choices. Often, it’s not just about love – it’s about taking advantage of the benefits of partnership. It’s OK to factor money, comfort, and travel into the decision. You should. If money, comfort, and travel are some of the stress factors in your relationship, a move-in might just make things less complicated.
If you dig spending every night together, if you’re comfortable talking about touchy issues like money, if you’re not opposed to living in a home he has already made for himself, if you see him as a possible partner for life, if you’re feeling like you’re splitting two homes just to say you are … well, yeah, it seems like it might be time for a move-in.
I know you think that your last relationship would have ended sooner had you not been living together, but I’m not so sure. You don’t know how it would have played out. Regardless, this relationship is not that relationship. It’s not a three-month decision like last time. You’re not in your 20s anymore. You’ve quite obviously given this some mature thought.
It’s a risk, but so is every decision in life and love. But perhaps my readers have a more specific solution. Let’s find out.
Readers? Thoughts? Share here. Twitter here.

– Meredith

Relationships