I’m His “work Wife”

Wednesday | August 26, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

I’m His “work Wife”

Good morning.
Yesterday’s letter writer checked in at the end of the day. You’ll find the comment at the end of the pack.
Today’s letter is about work spouses. Here we go.

I’m 42yo, happily married with two small kids. I work full time and enjoy my job. I’ve been at this job for about 3 years and have made a good friend who happens to be a guy who’s about my age, my peer in terms of status here, who is married with a child — I’ll call him Steve.
Here’s my issue: Steve is a great guy. My best friend here at the office. But lately he’s been getting weird … he calls me his “work wife,” he asks for hugs all the time (I tell him no each and EVERY time he asks), he’s started taking “surprise” photos of me with his cell phone and now he’s calling me on my cell phone after hours to talk about non-work stuff.
My husband only knows about the after hours calls and that’s making him jealous enough. If I told my husband about the other stuff, he’d freak out.
I love my husband. I know Steve’s marriage is sometimes troubled but, from my side, there’s absolutely no possibility or interest in being anything more than Steve’s work buddy.
I have two questions: do I say something to Steve? If so, what? I don’t want to lose my best friend at work. And do I tell my husband or just deal with this and not torture him?

– Work Wife?? Not!, Lexington

Yikes, WWN. I mean, I think the “work wife” talk is fine, for the most part. But the hugging? And the photos? And the boundary issues? Red flags. Weird, awkward red flags.
I know you don’t want to hurt Steve’s feelings, but you have to tell him the truth. Say (and feel free to practice in front of a mirror): “You are my best friend at work — you make this job so much more fun — but I’m weirded out by the hugs/photos. I’m just not a hugs/photos kind of person. Can you cut it out with the over-the-top work-wife stuff?”
Then, after Steve turns red from shame, you change the subject and maybe throw out an inside joke, something to indicate that you’re willing to move on from this.
If he’s a good work husband, he’ll want to know the truth so that he can fix this. A good work husband doesn’t want to sexually harass his work spouse. I’d go for honesty — and then show him you still want him around as a friend.
As for whether you should tell your husband any more than you already have … well, sure. He should know that you also see Steve’s behavior as odd and that you have a plan to set some boundaries. Maybe work on the speech together. He’ll feel as though he’s helping — and that he has some control over the situation. The more you include your husband, the better he’ll feel.
And as for the phone calls, that’s up to you. You have every right not to pick up. You can tell Steve at work that you’re bad about cell calls. After a bit, those calls should stop.
If Steve can’t play by rules that make you feel comfortable, a work divorce is in order. But let’s start with some simple boundaries and hope for the best.
Readers? Do you hug your work spouse? Should this reader tell her husband what’s up? What should she tell Steve? Share here. Read a column I wrote about work spouses here. Twitter here.

– Meredith

Relationships