Trying to avoid paying for dinner on dates

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Q.

Hi Meredith,

I’m on the older side. When I started dating, men paid for the date. 

I realize times have changed and that most men, even men my age, now expect women to pay their way on dates. I keep to a pretty tight budget, and I would rather spend my money doing things rather than eating a big expensive meal. 

Many times, when I accept a date to go to a movie or a show or some other activity, I get bullied into going to dinner too, even when I have stated that I am on a budget, or I have said that I do not want to include dinner. 

I keep hearing, “well, you have to eat, so let’s stop for dinner first.” I seldom give in because I just don’t want to bust my budget. The men complain, saying who wants to eat alone, and sometimes they suggest something lighter but it’s still going to break the budget. Many times I eat as planned, but they show up hungry, and if I agree to go to the restaurant, they get mad if I don’t eat. 

In most cases I just move onto the next guy that respects my budget and doesn’t ignore the original plan, but it keeps happening. I almost feel like the main reason they want a date is so they don’t have to eat alone. Is this just older men that don’t want to eat alone so much that they agree to any kind of a date, figuring they can just change it to what they want, or am I just running into men that want their own way?

– Budgeting

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A.

All of this depends on the man, I assume.

Some might want to get their way, no matter what. Others might not understand that when you say you’re sticking to a budget, you mean it.

For many, eating is part of bonding, so sharing a meal with others is the point. It’s such a classic part of our “good date” cultural narrative – dinner and a movie

I understand that way of thinking – because there is something great about sitting and listening, whether it’s over coffee, a waffle, or a full meal.

A big expensive dinner might not seem worth it to you. But I can understand why some men might feel like a movie or show isn’t enough – especially on an early date. There’s very little time for talking and getting to know someone.

Would you consider coffee, dessert, or an affordable dinner for first and second dates? The early ones? Once you know someone well enough, you can try dinner at home, maybe at your place, and then go for the the show/movie/bowling/whatever.

Last thought: you prefer activities to meals, but if you’re up for it, there’s a way to turn sustenance into an experience. Like many in Boston, I’ve been thinking I should try 7th Street Burger and the sandwich from All’antico Vinaio (separately). Those dining experiences are about $7 and and $18 respectively. They will give me a lot to talk about – with a significant other.

Perhaps I can ask our food critic for a list of restaurants that are inexpensive, a unique experience, and give two first daters plenty to say.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on who pays, budgets, and men not wanting to eat alone?

What’s on your mind about relationships? Breakups? Friendships? Hot person at coffee shop? Send letters to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

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