Embracing The Other Woman?

Monday | April 6, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

Embracing The Other Woman?

She needs to be nice to the “other woman.” Or does she?

After 30 years of marriage, my husband and I are filing for divorce. He cheated on me, and despite several attempts at reconciliation, it is not going to work out mainly because he refuses to end the relationship with the other woman. Needless to say, I am deeply hurt, devastated, and depressed by this whole ordeal. But I am trying to be the bigger person. As justifiably angry as I am, I am trying to maintain a friendly relationship with him for the sake of our children, our families, and our friends. But, he cannot understand why I will not be friendly with this other woman. She is the affair that broke up our marriage! Is my refusal to acknowledge her out of line? How have others handled this situation? What do you suggest?
— Christy, Danvers

Christy, you are not out of line. In time, you may be able to smile at this woman, but I doubt you’ll ever be high-fiving her.
Your husband obviously lacks some emotional intelligence, which is probably what caused the cheat to begin with. Explain to him that this is how divorce after a betrayal works — you don’t want to see this woman or know her, at least not now (and probably not for a few more years).
You will eventually need to learn how to be polite, but there’s time for that.
For now, avoid her as much as possible. Be good to your kids. Spend your energy acclimating yourself to your new life. That’s all you should be expected to do. Soon enough you’ll be ready to see her in public without shunning her.
Take your time with all of it. It doesn’t happen over night, and your husband should know better.
Readers? How do you embrace your ex’s new mate with dignity? Is it possible? Tell Christy some stories here.
— Meredith

Relationships