‘Chronic Commitment-phobe’ In Trouble

Friday | April 3, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

‘Chronic Commitment-phobe’ In Trouble

It’s Friday. This person is married but maybe shouldn’t be. Help.

All my life I’ve been a chronic commitment-phobe. I’ve been fortunate to have dated wonderful men — handsome, well educated, funny, caring — but I never fell in love with any of them and always left abruptly after about a year, leaving them wondering what had happened.
That all changed one year ago when I met my husband. I saw him from across the room and just knew he was someone special to me. We were married just a few weeks ago on what was by far the happiest day of my life. But then, just one week after marriage I had a breakdown. I suddenly started to see him in a different light. He is by far the handsomest man I’ve ever met, in my opinion, and is incredibly caring, but he and I come from very different backgrounds educationally, something I dismissed because my feelings are so strong for him, and because he is from Europe where university education is not as common.
Education has always been hugely important to me, and it was always something I needed my partner to value as well. And yet I fell in love with a man who left school at 16 and never looked back. With each passing day, I have started to feel the difference. His jokes are almost childlike and he carries himself like a teenager. Although he’s been around the world, and works in an international environment, he still talks in terms of simple cultural stereotypes (and finds them endlessly funny).
He has always said that I would be “dumbing down my life” to be with him, and I never understood what he was talking about. But, suddenly now I see things I didn’t before and I’m wondering if he was right…? When I am not irritated with him I am absolutely content and in love with him. But I find myself more and more frustrated (and feel terrible about it).
Does this spell imminent doom for us? Am in denial thinking that it will all go away and we will live happily ever after? By wanting him to change, am I a terrible person? Is maturity and “awareness” something that can be cultivated in a partner over time, or am I being cruel and unrealistic wanting him to think more like I do?
— Needing Perspective, Concord, NH

Wow. OK. Let me get this straight.
1. You married someone you met a year ago.
2. One week after getting married (which was just a few weeks ago), you decided you do not like this man’s personality much of the time.
3. You would like him to change into someone else so you can stay married.
This is very bad. Needing Perspective, yes, you need serious perspective.
Modern marriage is a celebration of — and a commitment to — something that’s already working — a relationship rooted in love, honesty, and understanding. Your love seems impulsive. Like a bet.
When you ask about maturity and awareness, I think you’re asking if your partner will become more mature and aware. But at the moment, you need to consider your own maturity and level of awareness.
My advice is: get thee to therapy. Talk to a professional about how you define partnership and love. Talk to your friends. Consider why you ran from men who met your expectations and married one who didn’t. Start being honest about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with the man you married — as he is.
Some buyer’s remorse and panic is normal after a wedding. But an “Oh gee, maybe I don’t like him” revelation is not. You don’t sound like a married grown-up. Time to figure out if you can be one.
In summary, check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Readers? You’re allowed to unleash the fury, which I’m sure you will, but try to be critical with some helpful suggestions (meaning, give some advice as you rant). Needing Perspective needs some perspective. Share here. Weigh in on yesterday’s additional comments to the Mommy problem here.
— Meredith