Does He Love Me?

Friday | January 8, 2010

Love Letters Relationships

Does He Love Me?

Friday. Happy.
Today we have a letter about “I love you,” but first, an update.
Remember the woman who loved the slob? She checked in with this note:
All the advice was great – most I was aware of, and most I expected. But guess what? My apartment is clean! And last night he even cleaned his entire office area and vacuumed! We just got a washer and dryer and he’s even doing his own laundry! haha. I am so much less stressed around my apt. now.
I noticed in the comments people mentioning A.D.D. and Asperger’s Syndrome. This shocked me because he has been previously diagnosed with BOTH. The commenters are genius!
So we are dealing and he is cleaning and KEEPING it clean. Even if I have to be on him about it all the time.
Thanks for taking the time to help me out!
— In Love with a Recovering Slob
And now today’s question:

I am a widow who was married for 25 years to a good, faithful man. I was likewise faithful. It was a loving marriage. We had several children (now grown). I’ve been in a steady relationship with a divorced man (with young adult children) for the past year or so. We are in our 50s.
I was surprised to find love and passion again, and since we met, we’ve been inseparable. Our feelings for each other show no sign of cooling off. I told him I loved him early in the relationship but he was floored and said it was too early. He also said that he has a hard time saying those words, as he’s been “burned” by marriage. He was in a previous relationship before me, that, he said, went on longer than it should have, but he did tell that previous GF that he loved her, although they fought off and on for years before he broke it off, shortly before we met. He has told me several times that the relationship was a mistake and that we are much closer than he and his ex-GF were, even though our relationship is relatively new. In fact, we remarked how “comfortable” we were with each other early on.
He says he “feels love” for me. He is affectionate, loving, but no “I love yous.”
Maybe I’m putting too much emphasis on a word. I just have a need to know. We are committed to each other, but not hearing those words, I guess I just can’t believe it.
Am I making too much of a word? Does it matter any more?

– Merry Widow, Metrowest

MW, we’ve had a number of letters about men who won’t say those three words. (And yes, it’s men. Most of the letters have come in from heterosexual women.)
Every letter about this issue is different. In some cases, it seems that the lack of “I love you” means an aversion to commitment and a general disinterest in the relationship. But in your case, the circumstances are more complicated. It sounds like your partner equates “I love you” with forever – or with bad luck. He believes that if he says the phrase and doesn’t wind up committing for life, he’ll have to blame himself for another failure. Or that if he says it, you will instantly become a terrible person — someone he can’t love. Basically, he doesn’t want to rock the boat.
His actions are pretty good, and you know what they say about actions and words. Give it some time. Talk to him about future plans — the tangible — and try to put the “I love you” stuff out of your mind, at least for now. The more you debate those words the more loaded they become.
Focus on what you both want in life — and whether you want to experience those things together. That’s more important than what he’s not saying in the present.
Revisit the issue in your head in a few more months. It’s still early. In another six months or so, you’ll have more actions and words to consider … that’s just how it goes.
But maybe the readers disagree. Everyone? Is this “I love you” letter different than past letters we’ve seen? Should he be saying it after a year? Does gender play into this? I’m not so sure it does, but it might be worth some debate. Any thoughts for the letter writer who loves the slob? Share.

– Meredith

Relationships