The Rules Of The Game

Monday | January 11, 2010

Love Letters Relationships

The Rules Of The Game

I received so many good letters last week … one about a Twitter addiction, one about dating an “experienced” woman, a few about cheating, and one from Mr. Grilled Cheese, whose latest dating problem has nothing to do with dairy. Let’s power through them. Today’s is about the chase.
Oh — and for the folks who e-mailed me about off-topic comments … if you prefer reading the straight advice, I recommend arranging the comments by “Most Recommended.” It tends to bring the advice to the top and the talk to the bottom. I know some people love the off-topic banter while others prefer to ignore it. If you recommend the advice, you can arrange accordingly.

My marriage of 8 years broke up unexpectedly earlier this year. I’d been with my husband for nearly 11 years in all, and before that, hadn’t had much experience dating (I was a late bloomer). Because of the way my marriage ended and my previous inexperience, I don’t have much confidence in dating.
I’m in my mid-30s now and decided to join Match.com as a way to slowly introduce myself to the idea of dating. Although my divorce isn’t finalized yet, I thought dating would be easier while I didn’t have much invested in it — since I’m still married, I wouldn’t be going into it with expectations of meeting “the one” or wanting to rush into a long-term relationship.
I met two people on Match (neither went anywhere) and then met one more person right before I let my subscription expire. I have now seen that person four times and, before the LL Cool Kids ask, there has definitely been some (excellent) making out, but no pajama parties or grilled cheeses.
Here’s my dilemma. I’m a woman, and I’ve been reading some dating books, and they all seem to say to wait until the guy does the asking out, the telephoning, etc. This guy is quiet and sometimes it can be tough to find things to talk about as he doesn’t ask me many questions about myself. With all of the dates, I’ve been the one to suggest meeting up. He’s been fine with it, and has been quick to suggest places/things to do, but I’m still the one who makes the initial suggestion.
Do I need to hold back more and make him be the one to reach out? Or can I even bluntly say, “Look, if you want to see me again, you have to make an effort here”? I’m just perplexed because back when I dated in my mid-20s, things seemed easier. The guy asked me out. I said yes. That was it.
Now, though, I’m older and have a better idea of what I want and less of a need to play games. But I think there’s something in these dating books that rings true. Men do like the chase, and I fear I’m not leading a very merry one.
I like this guy. I’m not crazy in love with him, because 1) it’s been four dates and 2) I’m taking things slowly for obvious reasons. But some advice would be a huge help in figuring out this whole scary dating world again. Thanks.

– Completely baffled by dating, Cambridge

CBBD, you know, I’m tempted to tell you to have some sort of clarification conversation with this guy – but I’m not going to. My advice is: call him when you want to see him, don’t when you don’t, ask questions when you need them answered, and don’t play games, no matter what the books say. If you want him to be more aggressive about dates, just tell him you’d like him to initiate some plans. You’re in a unique position because you have nothing to lose. You’re dating to date with no specific hopes or expectations.
I will say this: be careful with your head/heart. It’s not easy to keep a casual vibe for more than a few weeks. In theory, people are allowed to date more than one person at the same time, but I’ve rarely seen it work in real life for more than the short term. Whether you’re ready or not, you may suddenly want more from this guy. Or maybe he’ll want more from you. Or you’ll want grilled cheese and you’ll need to feel safe about it. Or the casual vibe will get boring. When you feel that change happen, be honest. Don’t play it cool. Don’t lead a chase. Just ask if him/yourself if it’s going anywhere.
You’re right — the nice thing about being in your 30s is the lack of stupidity (ideally). I know you think the chase is necessary, but pretending to be aloof seems like a lot of work. You’re allowed to state your intentions and desires — and to move on if it’s just not happening for you. Confidence is way sexier than a chase, in my opinion.
Readers? Should there be a chase? What is she asking for? Is she reading too many self-help books? How long can you date a few people at once? Is she the one who wants the chase? Share.

– Meredith

Relationships