Dear Meredith,
I’ve been reading your column daily for months. So many of the situations from fellow readers have hit home for me… now I need some advice (with some reference to past letter writers!)
Basically I have been dating this guy, let’s call him James, for about 4-5 months. I am 24 and he 25. We met about a month after a “long-term” relationship of mine ended. Let me discuss this previous relationship:
It lasted 16 months — not a long time by many people’s standards, but it was my longest and his longest — and we were very much in love. We had so much in common, were each others’ best friends, and loved to watch sports, cook, read, get drunk, exercise, watch movies, and just laugh. So why did we break up? Well, he cheated on me — twice.
The first was early on, and I didn’t find out for many, many months. I forgave him and we moved on. (Weeks later I pulled a “got-drunk-at-a-work-party-and-went-on-a-date” with him — like a recent LW — except that it was at a wedding — and I gave the finger to so many people I didn’t know, and threw my shoe at one of the groomsmen. Needless to say, he was so embarrassed and was about to break up with me over it, but he also forgave me.) We were very happy, but we also fought a lot, almost twice a week. Months went by, and I found out that he kissed a coworker of his, and when I confronted him – HE broke up with me!! It was over for him. We loved each other, but he said we just didn’t work together. He would say that I was the girl of his dreams, and that he messed up, and that he couldn’t keep hurting me anymore. We said we would try to be friends. (I know I said this so that I could try to win him back — how delusional am I?? He is the one that should be trying to win ME back! But I loved him, and I would honestly have spent the rest of my life with him.) Every time we’d be together it was impossible to just be friends. We would hug each other, and we’d both cry and say how much we missed each other, but he just couldn’t be with me. I was crushed.
At the time we broke up, one of your readers sent in a letter asking when it stops hurting. She said that it had been 2 years since she and her boyfriend had broken up, and that she was still not over it. I was in shock! I didn’t want to waste two years of my life over this guy. I will admit that the first months were horrible and almost unbearable — I even had to stop reading your column for a while. It has now been about 6 months, and finally I am starting to get over him.
So, when I met James I took it very slowly. I knew that I wasn’t emotionally ready to be with anyone, but I couldn’t keep crying everyday and taking sleep aids at night. We went on dates once a week, and then more often, but from the get-go I noticed I wasn’t very “affectionate.” I never said “I miss you” or “I can’t wait to see you,” because I knew I didn’t feel those things, not for him. (And I wasn’t going to fake it.) I still missed my ex. I still loved my ex. I knew that James had potential, so I wanted to give him a chance. There were many things that I liked right away about James, and slowly I hoped that the ways in which he didn’t match up with my ex would start to fade away, and the ways in which he excelled would be illuminated. I do care for James deeply, and he’s already told me that he’s falling in love with me.
A few weeks ago we had a fight over some principles of his that I thought were just too hard-wired in his brain to change, and I broke things off. He came back being repentant and telling me that he could change, and that if I had feelings for him too that we should give it another shot. I told him then that I didn’t know if I’d ever love him, or ever be able to reciprocate the strong emotions of which I was afraid he was developing for me. He then said, “Well, do you know for sure that you’ll never be able to have those feelings, or do you not know. Because if you don’t know, that’s okay, we can wait and see.”
The question is, if there really is a strong possibility that I won’t ever love him, should I break things off with him now? Before he starts to develop stronger feelings? Or should I go with it, especially since I kind of warned him I may never have those feelings? I also know that the longer I am with him, the stronger my feelings will inevitably become, and the more I’ll miss him when he isn’t around or there to talk to, but I’m so afraid those feelings won’t ever escalate into passionate, head-over heals love. Over time I may just end up “fooling myself” into “loving” him. I don’t want either of us to get hurt, when possibly in a few months, I come to the very likely realization–that I’ll never love him. Or do you think I just can’t love him yet because I’m still hurt from my last relationship and I need to give it time?
As you can probably tell, I do still have feelings for my ex. I probably do still love him … Maybe I do need 2 years.
ps. Sorry this is so long!

– What is the “right” thing to do?, Boston