Will He Bail?

Monday | October 19, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

Will He Bail?

It’s Monday. Get to it.

I recently moved to a new area and met a new guy. Since I know that a lot of readers are interested in ages, I am 23 and he is 27. We were instantly attracted to each other and really hit it off.
Eventually, we found ourselves together in an intimate situation. I was honest with him and told him that I was not interested in finding someone to just “fool around with.” I told him that I was a relationship girl — always have been and always will be. He told me that he was the same way. He got out of a multi-year relationship in January and wasn’t sure if he was ready to get into another relationship right away, which I understood. However, since that night, we have been constantly talking through text messages and on the phone. We hang out all the time, go on dates, have sleep overs, etc. He’s even invited me to meet his closest friends who all live in New Hampshire now (we are both in the Boston area).
Yesterday, we had a talk about where we stand. I told him that I am still not looking for just someone to mess around with, and if that is what he is interested in, then we can’t continue. He told me that he’s just hesitant about jumping into another relationship, but that I am the only one he’s currently seeing, and the first since his breakup. I told him that if and when he decides he doesn’t want this to go further, he needs to tell me. He said that he would, but that right now he’s enjoying getting to know me, that we get along really well, and he wants to take things slow and see where it goes.
I know that it has only been a few weeks, but I am nervous that I am setting myself up to get hurt. He flat out said he wasn’t sure if he was ready for another relationship right now, but then he holds my hand in front of his friends, puts his arm around me, and generally acts as if we are dating. I know that he likes me and I know that he isn’t trying to hurt me, but I can’t help but think that he is just keeping me around until he finds something better.
Do his actions really speak louder than his words? My friends are concerned that I have given him all the “power” in the relationship, which is a game I hate to play, but it does seem to be the case.
Honestly, I am looking for advice on what I should do in this situation since I’ve essentially given him the milk without buying the cow.

– Feeling Set Up, Boston

FSU, first of all, I hate the “buy the cow” line. It’s my least favorite thing, and it pops up all the time on Love Letters. Please do not use any metaphor that involves you being a cow.
And honestly, let’s say you did find a cow that gave you fantastic milk (and for free!), wouldn’t you want to hang out with it all the time? I would.
Sorry. Back to the problem.
Your friends are right about the power thing, but I want to explain why. You just met this guy and you’re already worried that he’s going to ditch you. Who says you’re not going to ditch him? What makes him so great? You barely know him after a few weeks. You’re auditioning him just as much as he’s auditioning you. Stop thinking about the cow and the price of milk and consider that he might not be what you want. You’re dating him to find out.
The beginnings of relationships are scary, and yes, you might get hurt. It’s frustrating and somewhat petrifying to take a romantic risk, but you have to learn to cope with the unknown.
This guy can’t promise you anything right now. If he told you he planned to be with you for the long haul, I’d worry about the meaning of his quick commitment. He has told you that he likes you and that he isn’t seeing anyone else. And he holds your hand. Shut up for a little while and enjoy that, please.
I promise you this – whatever happens, you’ll be OK. You have friends. You were just fine before he came along. Have confidence that you will survive either way, and you can spend more of your energy getting to know him as opposed to trying to force a commitment out of him.
You are not a cow. You are a cool person who is getting to know someone new. Don’t let your fear of the unknown ruin the process.
Readers? What’s happening here? Does milk have anything to do with this? How does one cope with fear of rejection? Is this letter writer sabotaging this relationship? Share your thoughts, please. Letters to the right.

– Meredith

Relationships