The Young And The Divorced

Tuesday | October 20, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

The Young And The Divorced

I like to imagine that this letter was sent to me by Avril Lavigne.

Hi, Meredith,
I am under 30 and going through a divorce. The marriage lasted about 3.5 years (we were together for 6 years total) and ended because we emotionally grew apart.
I have signed all the paperwork and I am just waiting for the courts to work. Meanwhile, I am starting to think of dating again. Given that I am still quite young for a divorcee, what advice would you give for me about dating: should I not say anything about my divorce? Is it awkward that the divorce isn’t final?
I am at a bit of a loss because I don’t have any friends who are divorced and I grew up in a atmosphere where not many people, if any at all, were divorced. Most of the literature out there is for older women with children, so I feel a bit lost as how to navigate the dating process. I would be grateful for any dating tips you could give me.

– Young and Almost Divorced, Boston

YAAD, my advice is to take it slow and share details when you’re ready. The good news is that you’re more like your peers than you think. Sure, most people under 30 aren’t already divorced. But many of them have been with significant others for more than six years. And many of them have recently ended those long relationships.
I don’t want to say that the marriage process is meaningless and that your loss is like any other break-up, but in some ways, you are the average young person. You’re trying to figure out what you want, you evolved into something other than what you thought you’d be, and you have some dating history that you’re afraid to talk about. That’s pretty normal.
I’d start by joining clubs around town — sports teams, etc. It’s an easy way to be around a lot of people your own age. You don’t have to date anybody if you don’t want to. It’s just a good idea to make some new friends. If you happen to see someone you like, take your time, and when you trust them, feel free to share. Explain your history just like you did in your letter – say you had a difficult break-up and that you’re new to single life. Divorced or not, they’ll understand.
If you’re thinking about online dating, fine, that’s an option, but frankly, I’d wait until the paperwork comes through before you get that going. Give yourself some time so that it’s not a lie when you check the box that says “single” or “divorced.”
Really, you haven’t missed much. Dating is the same messy experience it was six years ago. It’s still confusing. It’s still a guessing game. Try to enjoy.
Readers? Advice for the young and divorced? Would you be put off if she told you about her divorce? Should she wait for the paperwork? Share your thoughts, please. Letters to the right.

– Meredith

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