What’s A White Lie?

Friday | September 11, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

What’s A White Lie?

Happy Friday. Sorry to those of you who didn’t get tickets to next week’s movie outing. I swear – there will be more field trips for Love Letters readers soon. I’ll keep you posted here and on Twitter.
I will admit that I am a bit nervous to meet some of you in the flesh. I might wear eyeliner.

Hi Meredith, I’m trying to figure out the difference between a white lie and a real deal-breaker lie. I know that everyone tells white lies to their SO’s at some point — No honey, you don’t look fat; Yes, I’d love to visit your parents for a week; etc, etc.
My girlfriend came home about two months ago with a present from an ex, but her birthday was about a month previous to that. She said it was from a few years ago, that she found it cleaning out her old storage unit (which she had been doing since we are moving to a new town), and she let it go at that.
Without getting into any details (in order to remain anonymous), I found out (no, not by snooping! it was plain as day, and pretty stupid that she didn’t see that before lying) that there was no possibility that it was more than a few weeks old. I confronted her, and she still claimed it was old, until I finally showed her the “Born on Date” (so to speak.)
She finally said that it was recently given to her, that it meant nothing at all, was not a big deal at all — that she told me what she called a “white” lie because she didn’t want me questioning her or thinking that there was something going on because she said she wasn’t doing anything. She really felt like it was no more a big deal than if I had caught her lying to me about what type of shampoo she uses. She sees nothing wrong with it — that she was just trying to maintain the status quo and not risk the possibility of me thinking something was going on when there wasn’t.
We’re all allowed a bit of privacy and individuality in our lives, but I can’t help but feel like this was more than a white lie. I don’t necessarily think anything is going on, but it’s made the situation more questionable that she lied about it, twice, when she claims there was no reason to lie.
I feel like if it was something serious she would have made sure I never saw it. Lying is a deal breaker to me, but for some reason I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she genuinely just felt that what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me. Unfortunately, it has. Is it ok/forgivable/passable that she blatantly lied to my face twice about this before finally telling the truth? Do people really lie to their SO’s about things like this if there’s nothing going on because they’re worried that the other person will be suspicious for no reason??

– Not All Black and White, Shrewsbury

NABAW, this one actually is kind of black-and-white. She lied. It wasn’t a white lie (or a shampoo lie) – it was a real lie.
It was also a bad lie. Strange that she lied to you about when she received the gift as opposed to who gave it to her. The good news is that she’s obviously not a practiced liar. She seems new to the art of the cover-up. That’s a good thing.
To answer your question, yes, people tell real lies all the time to avoid awkward conversations. You must make it clear to her (without being confrontational, if possible) that you’d rather hear the truth – and that you’ll do your best to keep an open mind even if you hear something that upsets you. If she’s going to be friends with an ex who gives her presents, you’d rather know than be surprised later.
As for her white-lie defense – she may let that go after you’ve shown that you’ve really forgiven her. She feels attacked. She’s sticking to her story. But I’m sure she’ll eventually admit to herself that if you were getting gifts from an ex, she’d want to know.
You want to forgive her, and that’s OK. But it’s time to have a talk about what you’re both comfortable sharing and where you draw the line between lies and privacy. Just know that if you convince her to tell all, you’ll have to cope with what you hear.
It sounds like you’re looking for validation that you’re right and she’s wrong. I’m giving it to you. But I’m also telling you to stop punishing her (and to stop debating lie semantics), and to use this as a teaching moment.
I can’t believe I said “teaching moment.” Blech. Sorry about that.
Readers? Was this lie a shampoo lie? What is the meaning of the gift from the ex? Is the trust gone? Do I look fat in these pants? Share thoughts here.

– Meredith

Relationships