The One And Soul Mates And Magic

Thursday | October 22, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

The One And Soul Mates And Magic

Good morning. Some of you have asked for Barcelona pics. I put some here. Feel free to look at them or skip them. I won’t be offended.
Today’s letter is a biggie. But we love biggies, don’t we? Get to it.

I have recently started reading your column and find it very entertaining as well informative. Hope you’re enjoying your time in Spain!
I have been dating a guy (38) for the past 6 months or so. I am 36. After always dating the “bad boy” and having my heart broken over and over again (I was in a very emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship for 8 years and in a physically abusive relationship for 4 years before that), I made the conscious decision to date nice guys. I eventually met someone. He is wonderful, kind, generous, funny, thoughtful, smart … etc. We get along so well. We laugh, goof around, and wait 2.5 hours in line at the new Sonic in Peabody.
I know I fell for him a lot harder than he did for me and I was OK with that. For me this was all new, dating someone who is considerate and nice (but not crazy dorky nice), just an all-around great guy. I know he cares about me a lot and I figured eventually he would get there — after all, it has only been 6 months. To me, we are still in the getting-to-know- each-other phase and enjoying each other’s company.
But lately, things have seemed a bit off. I am not really even sure how to explain it other than, in my past relationships when it has gotten like this, there was cheating involved. I know this guy is NOT cheating on me — call it woman’s intuition or whatever, but I know that isn’t the case. But it’s definitely a sort of disinterested feeling. He continuously tells me how beautiful I am, how great I treat him, that he can’t believe that he has met someone so normal, that he loves showing me off to his friends, etc…. yet there seems to be some disconnect.
Then on Friday, we were texting back and forth and he dropped the bomb…. “I want to feel the magic with you, because you treat me so well, but I don’t.” I really didn’t even know how to respond to that, but obviously I was shocked and hurt. I went away for the remainder of the weekend; we didn’t really speak until I returned on Sunday night. He told me he was looking for a soul mate, that he wished it was me, but he just didn’t feel it. We talked for a bit about it …or well he talked and I was in tears. He also said that he thought that we should continue to date, that maybe down the line he might feel differently. But he just wasn’t sure. He said he doesn’t want to end things with me, but I am thinking — why should I investment more of myself emotionally when 2 or 3 months from now he will end it when that magic doesn’t happen for him?
I guess my question is, does that “magic” feeling really exist? Or is that more just something in the movies and romance novels? I don’t think I have ever really felt what he is trying to describe. So then am I settling? I only really have 1 past relationship to “compare” to that was somewhat normal, and I almost married that guy. I know my feelings for this new guy are a lot stronger than that one. I had dated a bit since the end of my 8 year relationship, so I know there were definitely guys I didn’t click with for whatever reason and a couple of guys I did before I met this one. I guess what I am trying to figure out is how do you know when you have found “the one?”

– What is love?, Boston

WIL, you have asked a meaning-of-life question. I’ll do my best to answer it.
Magic happens, but it feels different for everyone. And sometimes magic goes away and comes back. And sometimes it doesn’t kick in until later. And sometimes magic is really the feeling of winning over someone who resisted your advances. Sometimes it’s about the unknown and it goes away when mysteries are solved. Sometimes it’s the best kind of magic — the kind that sticks around for all the right reasons. My point is, magic varies. And magic doesn’t always mean that you’re in a relationship that will last. It’s magic, after all.
And for the record, I don’t believe in “the one.” We throw that phrase around a lot on Love Letters, but I think we mean “the one I love very, very much and want to stay with.” That makes the concept of “the one” more special. It’s not so much a destiny thing. It’s a choice. It’s a great responsibility.
It actually sounds like you are feeling the magic with this guy. You want to be around him, you consider yourself lucky that he’s in your life, and the way you talk about him suggests that he gives you the old butterflies-in-the-tummy thing. Sadly, he doesn’t feel the same way. Maybe he’s a serial dater. I have no idea.
You’re allowed to stick around and keep dating him if you want, but frankly, it sounds like it would become an audition. I fear that you’d have to keep wondering if you’ve somehow changed his mind. The process might be exhausting.
Perhaps you’d be better off using that energy to find a man who wants to wait in line at Sonic with you – for the rest of your life. I’d tell this guy that you appreciate his honesty. You can tell him that If he changes his mind, he can find you and let you know.
Magic men don’t reject by text. This man isn’t so magical in my book. Not yet.
Just know that there are other men out there who can be lovely without becoming abusive. This man is not the only “nice guy” around. Consider that he might be the first of your nice-guy experiences. I hope they only get better.
Readers? There’s a lot to answer here. Should she keep dating the guy? Do you believe in the whole soul mate thing? Or “the one” thing? Or “the magic” thing? Help this reader, please. Share thoughts here.

– Meredith

Relationships