I Can’t Read Her Mind

Friday | October 23, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

I Can’t Read Her Mind

She has a boyfriend. He likes her anyway. Today’s letter:

Hi Meredith,
I’m kind of in a confusing situation and am not sure what to do: I’m very interested in this woman at school. I know she has a boyfriend but she hardly ever mentions him and doesn’t bring him to class functions/dinners. My conversations with her have always been pleasant and we seem to get along quite well, and occasionally, some of the things she says/does can be interpreted in many ways; either as friends or something more but I could never really tell. On my part, I’ve hinted both before and after I found out she is seeing someone that I’m interested but have not really crossed what I think is an unknown boundary.
I decided to try to get to know her better and if things went well, I was going to tell her how I felt and ask her if she considered me a friend or something more. However, right at this time, an unforeseen family crisis caused her to take a leave of absence. There was no way I was going to bring this up with so many things going on in her life and I basically accepted the fact that we were going to be friends and keep in touch.
We had dinner last week, just us, and she seemed to be doing well in spite of everything that’s going on. Our conversation covered her plans for vacation and work and such. This led me to believe she’s doing OK and she’s taking things pretty well. Some of the things she said also could’ve been interpreted in many different ways and I tried to focus on a friendly conversation more than anything else.
Now it’s bugging the heck out of me about whether I missed an opportunity. The next day I texted her to tell her that I had something I wanted to ask her but will do so next time (she never replied). Towards the end of the week, I texted again her to see if she would be interested in dinner, and again, she never replied.
Should I consider this to be that she only wants to be friends?

– not very good at this stuff, Cambridge

NVGATS, you are right — you are not very good at this stuff. In fact, you are terrible at this stuff. But that’s OK. We get better at these things with time.
My guess is that this woman only likes you as a friend (she has a boyfriend, after all) and that she got uncomfortable when you implied you had something important to tell her. That’s just a guess. And it’s a fairly uneducated guess because I don’t know her. So let’s find out what she really thinks, shall we?
I know you had plans to tell her the truth and that you paused because of her personal problems, but it sounds like you were already stalling.
Tell her what you told me – that you like her a lot and that sometimes you get the sense that she likes you, too. Tell her you’re bummed she has a boyfriend, and that while you’re happy to be her pal, you hope she might consider something more. She’ll respond honesty (hopefully), and you can take it from there.
If she reciprocates, she’ll be psyched. If she doesn’t, she’ll probably be relieved that you’re giving her the chance to clarify her feelings. If she’s on the fence about her boyfriend and doesn’t quite know how she feels about you, knowing about your feelings might force her to make some decisions.
The lesson learned here is that we don’t know anything until we ask. We can’t read minds. When we know what we want, we shouldn’t wait too long to ask for it because the longer we wait, the more neurotic and weird we get about the situation – and the more we start sounding like Creepy Staring Guy.
Ask away. Be honest. Do it with respect and without making her feel weird. Prepare yourself for the possibility that she might retreat once she knows the truth. Stop texting hints and get to the point. And good luck.
Readers? Thoughts for a guy who’s really bad at this? Should he tell her how he feels? Can you read her mind? Share here.

– Meredith

Relationships