Should He Be My Friend?

Friday | October 30, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

Should He Be My Friend?

Some practical announcements.
1. If you’ve been having trouble seeing the comments, try opening the site in Firefox. Seems to work better.
2. The song contest continues for another week. Spread the last-minute word to all of your musician friends.
3. I’ve received a strange number of letters lately. I don’t know what’s going on out there, but I’m getting twice as many letters as usual. I’ll get to them as soon as I can. I may e-mail letter writers for updates to make sure the letters are current when I post them.
OK. Here we go:

Howdy. Here’s the age old question: can men and women really be just friends?
I’m the woman, and I’m having a problem trying to be the friend. I’m 29 years old with a great professional career, and I’m pretty decent looking to boot. I was recently dating a man, also 29, for about 5 months who I really enjoyed being with. I knew from the start that he was a little immature for his age but that’s what made him so much fun for me.
I’m a big kid as well, and being with someone who I could be absolutely silly with was great. I dare say I was even starting to have some feelings for him. Out of nowhere one day, he informed me he wanted to break up. He told me that he just didn’t feel the same way about me as I did about him but that I am really great and he wants to be friends. Trying to be the ever-fabulous modern woman, I agreed. I really did like his friendship most of all. I’ll admit he is gorgeous – really, really gorgeous — and that makes it a little difficult (why is it so hard to give up the hotties?!), but things in the bedroom were lackluster. Looks are great, but we all know they only take you so far. I only started to enjoy the sex when I realized that I enjoyed actually talking to him and spending time with him.
The problem is my ego and heart. This break-up has had a lot more impact on my ego than any other break-up I’ve ever had. I’m actually very stunned because it was only four months and I didn’t even think I was as emotional over this man as I seem to be now. I’ve had plenty of break-ups and two major relationships that lasted for years that didn’t make me this sad and insecure. It all just seemed so abrupt to me. One minute we were kissing and cuddling and the next he told me he didn’t want to date me anymore. We talked about the break-up and he told me he just wasn’t feeling a spark with me but he really valued my friendship.
The things that I really started to like about this man were his personality and our conversations and the ease with which we were perfectly honest each other. In 29 years, I’ve never had that with anyone else. I’d really like to try to have a friendship with him because I really value these qualities but I don’t know how to heal a broken heart like this. I feel blindsided and now I feel insecure about everything from my looks to my personality. I’ve never beat myself up like this but I just can’t stop wondering what qualities about me made him “not feel it”.
My gut tells me that it was nothing more than his bit of immaturity and the fact that the chase was over and he knew he had me so he lost interest. I’m trying to be his friend, not best friend, just casual e-mails and general updates about our lives. It’s two months later and I have started dating other men and have had some absolutely goofball dates that I would love to share with him because I know he would find the situations funny, but I’m even afraid to do that because I know he’s a little immature and I don’t want him to take it as me parading new men in front of him to make him jealous. I know he’s not jealous, he doesn’t feel that way about me. I just don’t know how to keep that open and fun friendship we had while dating when I’m so hurt that I’m second-guessing everything I do and afraid any contact with him will be misconstrued as a plea for his attention. How do I keep a friend and lose a lover without completely picking myself apart in the process? Is that even possible?

– Blue Blue Jean, Framingham

BBJ, here are some reasons this break-up has rocked your world:
1. You didn’t see it coming.
2. You weren’t allowed any input. He made the decision for both of you.
3. You’re 29, which is young, but I’ve always had a theory that any age with a nine attached to it comes with baggage. Nines make us think about things.
4. You’re comparing this relationship, which you had in your late 20s, to long-term relationships you had when you were in your early 20s. You’re capable of much more intimacy now.
5. He is, apparently, very, very hot. It’s sad to lose anything that is very, very hot.
6. A super-hot person told you that he didn’t feel a spark with you. That is an ego blow, for sure.
I know lists are usually five or 10 items long, but I’ve only got six. Sorry.
Being his friend doesn’t make you a modern woman. It makes you a masochist. If you want to tell someone a funny story about a bad date, tell a real friend. Cut him off. Give yourself space. It’s going to hurt, but it’s a process. This is your first terrible, mind-altering break-up. Now you know why people write such sad songs. They’re not kidding.
Break-up misery – especially the kind that comes after a short-term relationship – is often about loneliness as opposed to a specific loss. It’s about needs that aren’t met. I think that for whatever reason, you decided during this relationship that you wanted a real partner – an adult relationship with no expiration date. The emptiness you’re feeling is about admitting that need and then getting ditched. Now you’re stuck with the need.
Also, you mentioned that you haven’t met anyone like this guy in your 29 years. Let’s drop the first 20 of those years because you were a kid, and the first five years of your 20s because it doesn’t sound like you were looking for anything serious. That means you haven’t met anyone like him in four years. That’s not such a big deal, right? Let this guy serve as evidence that you’d be open to a serious relationship. That’s all he is – evidence of your wants.
Don’t expect a quick fix. Just keep plugging along with the dating. Call your real friends and keep yourself busy. And to answer your first question, men and women can be friends – but you and this guy aren’t.
Readers? Why is this break-up hurting her so much? What can she do? Should she keep him around as a friend? Share here.

– Meredith

Relationships