I am on the brink of divorce and have a few important questions I’m pondering before making the jump.
I’ve been married for 15 years with two healthy, resilient and beautiful children. We both work full time. My wife recently turned 40, and went through a bit of a mid-life crisis. Symptoms included going out with her friends a lot more than usual and sometimes drinking. The two things that hurt the most about this was 1) I felt for the first time she was going out to “escape” from me, and not just the pressures of parenting, and 2) Her drinking had me concerned about her safety, the well-being of the kids, and that she was generally becoming someone I didn’t like anymore. I was madly in love with her before this phase in her life.
I confronted her with my concerns. I told her I felt we were growing apart, and that I’ve never really been satisfied with the intimacy between us. Throughout our marriage, I was always the one to initiate sex. I can’t actually recall a time where she ever initiated. I finally told her how disappointing it was to not have her be as “into it” as me.
That’s when the bombshell came crashing down. She told me “there’s just no spark. I’ve always hoped it would come, but it never really did”. She went on to add that “85 percent of our relationship has been fantastic, but that 15 percent was never right. I didn’t want to screw up the 85 percent that was so good”. I can attest to this. We do get along famously, and love each other deeply (I guess platonically??). So I guess we have the classic “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” scenario. The big problem is: She NEVER had the spark for me. And the big question is: How do you get back what was NEVER there in the fist place?
We both decided we don’t want to continue living this way and that intimacy should be more natural. In our conversations, she told me “If I had to go out and find a guy to be with today, it would be somebody completely different from you”. (Ouch!) At the same time, I admitted the same thing to her, but I used the phrase “slightly different.”
The bombshell happened this summer (and what a painful, cold and rainy summer it was). We’ve since been through plenty of therapy, and with it I really feel I’ve turned a corner, and I’m ready to at least face any new reality that might unfold between us. Through therapy, we’ve discovered that our history played a big role in shaping the dynamic between us. Here are the highlights:
— We were married very young. We saw each other on & off for a bit in high school, dated seriously in college.
— I had probably no experience being in a serious relationship before her. She was the only girl I’ve said “I love you” too, and the only girl I’ve ever slept with.
— Her reasons for choosing to marry me: She had very negative male role models growing up. Her father and stepfather were emotionally distant and unavailable, which caused her to be self-reliant emotionally: she never allowed herself to be vulnerable with a man. I was the “nice” guy, who would never treat her bad, play mind games, and always be available and supportive, etc.
— She was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship before dating me seriously in college. That was the catalyst for her coming back to me.
— With so little experience, I never learned the fine art of pursuing a woman, or having “boyfriend skills.” I had to learn all this stuff as I went along in the relationship.
— Things have always been very “comfortable” between us, and I always sort of thought “This is great. We don’t have to do that ‘game-playing’ stuff. We can just be good friends and things will be fine.”
— We both feel that divorce seems like the best option at this point. You can’t turn on attraction to somebody like a switch, and the history between us is so profound that I think it’s going to be nearly impossible for my wife to essentially “reprogram” herself to become attracted to me. I also think that if we spend the next few years beating our heads against the wall, it may only improve the day-to-day dynamic between us (which is already fantastic), and not really get at “the core” of her attraction for me. Another strong pull is the fact that I’ve never had a “20’s”. That is, I never dated around, lived on my own, experienced heartbreak (until now), etc. We’re both empirically attractive people, are young enough to find new partners, and there is a strong curiosity in both us of to see who else is out there for us (Weird, but we’re such good friends we actually talk about this stuff with each other!)
So, should we start couples therapy and confirm what we already know, or should we wish each other well, and support each others’ future endeavors? I am in the latter camp, and wanted to know what you and your readers think.
Final note: We are thinking about our kids’ well-being in this as well. Please don’t think we’ve only been thinking about ourselves. Our friendship is very strong (even through the pain & anger), and if it happens, we’re planning on mediating the divorce and doing everything within our power to ensure that everybody’s well-being is taken care of. We have both vowed to only speak highly of each other if we do split.

– World Most Amicable Divorce?