My Boyfriend’s Back

Tuesday | May 12, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

My Boyfriend’s Back

An Adam bomb. Set Confused straight, please.

I love your column and its readers; I read it daily! I now have a question of my own that I could use some help with. During my later years in college I met and fell in love with a wonderful guy, let’s call him Adam. We shared a lot of the same interests, have great chemistry/passion, and were truly best friends. After we had been together for almost 3 years, he completely blindsided me and broke up with me. He claimed that he loved me and wanted to be with me, but needed to get himself settled before he could settle down with me. It was an awful breakup that took me a long time to get over. Especially because we had all of the same friends, so I was forced to see him often. It has since been almost 3 years since we broke up. I’m almost 26 and have been dating a really nice guy for a little while who I really like. For the past few months though, Adam has made himself more of a presence in my life. He calls/texts/emails me more, we have hung out more and are really getting back into being friends. Then he tells me that he still loves me and wants to be with me again. I am completely confused now. I am still not sure if I got over him completely the first time, but how can I let him back into my life like that? Shouldn’t he have wanted to grow with me in the first place? All of my friends have been telling me he is a different person now, less immature, settled and he never stopped loving me. How do I get over what he did though? And should I stop dating a really nice guy to go back to someone who pulled out because he basically needed to find himself? I am very confused and needing a little clarity from people not directly involved with this mess. Thanks!
— Confused, Boston

Confused, let me do the math. You’re 25 now … you dated Adam three years ago … so presumably, if he was around your age, he was probably 22 back then. (I can subtract!)
You ask, “Shouldn’t he have wanted to grow with me in the first place?” My answer is: No, not at 22. He was young. He’s probably just starting to figure out what he wants for his future, and perhaps he’s realizing that you possess many of the attributes he’s looking for. He was honest with you back then, and I appreciate that.
Maybe Adam is ready now. Maybe he’s the man you wanted him to be at 22. Maybe he isn’t. I have no idea what Adam is capable of — neither do you, and most likely, neither does Adam. But he wants to try.
Some Love Letters readers are going to tell you to make decisions about this new guy without thinking of Adam – that you can’t drop the new guy assuming the old guy will be there for you (isn’t that being a liner-upper?). Those readers are right.
But I’d say the whole issue with the new guy is moot because it sounds like you want to know if the new-and-improved Adam is for real, regardless of this new man. I get the sense that if you don’t try it, you’ll always wonder. I get the sense that you know what you’re going to do but that you’re afraid to say it out loud because it took so long to get over Adam the first time. I understand.
If you want to experience Adam, Part 2, just get to it. It’s no less scary if you wait. Let this new guy off the hook before he gets attached.
Readers? Is Adam just lonely? Am I wrong to think that three years later he may be ready for an adult relationship? Talk to Confused here. Read yesterday’s angry letter here.
— Meredith