I Won’t Snoop

Friday | August 21, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

I Won’t Snoop

Happy Friday. There’s some Love Letters-inspired paranoia in this letter. Read on.

Dear Meredith,
Here’s a different spin on “snooping and found something bad.” It’s “won’t snoop so can’t figure out if there’s something bad.”
We’ve been married 20+ years and have two kids still at home. A couple of years ago we had a very rough patch culminating in him screaming “I hate you” at the end of a tumultuous summer vacation. There have been disappointments in both directions but I love him, love how our kids are turning out, and want to stay with him. I think he loves me too, but I know he wishes I were different (wishes I were more gregarious socially, a more adventurous traveler, more interested in the things he was interested in, etc.)
Here’s my question: I keep reading articles, surveys, expert opinions, letters in this column saying things like “most men cheat.” I have no evidence he has strayed. However, given our ups and downs and given the amount of time he is away from home (long work hours, some business and social travel) I know he’s had opportunity and motivation. I’ve asked him if he’s ever been tempted or acted and he says, “Tempted yes, acted no, stop worrying”.
But he also has a history of lying to me about other things. I realize I’m unsettled about this and don’t know what to do with my distracting doubts. I won’t snoop, and he’s saying “No, all’s OK.” But my doubts are creating stress and distance.
My questions (some only I can answer, probably):
* So now what? Bringing up my doubts just annoys and agitates him. He’s opposed to counseling (I’m not particularly interested either given three useless experiences in the past).
* Is there any reason to stir things up when the status quo is essentially OK in so many ways (not the least of which — the happiness of my kids)?
* Am I living in denial and this marriage is barely surviving amidst doubt, disappointment, dislike, and dishonesty?
* Should I leave well enough alone and continue on even if he is possibly cheating?
Thanks for any ideas and thoughts.

– An Uneasy Stasis, Boston

AUS – I’m going to do my best to advise based on the information you’ve provided – even though I have many questions.
It’s important for you – and everyone else – to know that we often see the worst of relationships on Love Letters. I mean, we’re here for advice. The happiest couples wouldn’t have much reason to write in. Also, there’s a lot of media out there about cheating – I can think of at least 15 self-help books off the top of my head – but that doesn’t mean everybody does it.
I can’t read minds, but your letter doesn’t give me the sense that your husband cheats. I think self-help land has made you a bit paranoid. Don’t give in to the crazy.
Your letter does give me the sense that these rough patches in your marriage have made you feel insecure and helpless. That isn’t crazy at all. It’s totally understandable. Rather than harping on the cheating issue, which seems to be moot, tell your husband that you love him – and that you want to make sure you’re both getting the most out of your marriage. You can be honest and tell him that you’ve fallen into a well of shame in self-help land, which is why you’ve been pointing fingers. Tell him you’d love to find things to do together, some common hobbies, so you don’t feel alienated when he travels. You just want to have more fun with him. You want to be better friends.
I wish I knew what you meant by this: “But he also has a history of lying to me about other things.” That could be a big deal depending on the nature of those lies. Everyone lies at some point during a marriage (and friendship). Usually, the lies are tiny ones — to save feelings or to avoid getting yelled at for losing the Tupperware. If the lies you’ve randomly mentioned are biggies, therapy (yikes, I said it) for you is in order. Forgiving old lies without ruining a marriage often takes some help.
Your letter says you love him and want to be with him. Then it says you might be in denial – and that you and your husband might actually dislike each other. Confusing, right? Don’t be afraid to admit that it’s really about love. I know it’s scarier when there’s something to lose.
Readers? I think we’re missing some important information here, but … has all this self-help stuff turned AUS into a paranoid mess? What is the real problem here? Is cheating even the issue? Share here.

– Meredith

p.s. I saw positive feedback about our letters – but someone objected to the italics. If you all dislike that, let me know. I don’t want to make you seasick while you read.

Relationships