Gay And Looking To Commit

Tuesday | September 15, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

Gay And Looking To Commit

First of all, for those of you who are coming to the movie tonight – I’m looking forward to it. You don’t have to like it, of course. But it’s free and it’s quality time, so it’s all good. And like I said, we’ll do more activities in the future.
I feel like I should also say something about Patrick Swayze, seeing as he was in a very romantic movie. I’ll say this — last night I listened to the “Dirty Dancing” soundtrack and got stuck on “Cry to Me,” the Solomon Burke song that plays as Johnny and Baby are about to … get it on. I recommend taking a listen to that one today. The tune is fantastic – and the lyrics seem appropriate for Love Letters. “Nothing could be sadder … than a glass of wine alone … loneliness, loneliness … it’s such a waste of time …”
Speaking of loneliness ….

Hi Meredith,
Let me first start by saying that I’m a 24 year old gay man. Now that we’re on the same page 🙂 I’m writing because I’m having trouble meeting Mr. Right. Actually, scratch that… I can’t seem to meet any available gay men, never mind Mr. Right. Where are they?
I came out of the closet just about three years ago and naively fell for the first guy I dated; let’s call him “Ted.” Ted was a couple of years younger than me and we met with the sole intention of “having fun.” Looking back, this wasn’t one of my brightest moments, but I was young, and like most young gay men, I didn’t have many other options. After meeting Ted though, something strange happened. We immediately clicked and ended up becoming quite good friends.
After almost a year and a half of an on again, off again, “friends with benefits” saga, Ted asked me to join his family on a ski trip to Colorado; a sure sign (in my mind anyways), that we were finally in the early stages of a legitimate relationship. Fact of the matter is that the opposite happened. After traveling half way across the country, Ted laid the cards on the table and told me that he did not want to be serious but also thought we’d be better suited as just friends. He was interested in seeing someone else and I was devastated. The emotional roller coaster of not knowing what we were had taken its toll on me and I had to throw in the towel, for my own good. We haven’t spoken since.
It’s been almost two years, and I’ve tried online dating and being set up through friends of friends, but I can’t seem to find anyone that I click with the way I did with Ted. It’s a known fact the majority of gay men either meet online under sketchy circumstances or wake up next to one another after a fuzzy Saturday night (and don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there, done that), but I’m starting to think that I’m a minority within a minority — I’m looking for more than a hook up! Ted’s since moved on (he’s still with the one I was “dumped” for), and I’m ready to move on as well! Where are all the available gay men? How can I find them? Do people even date anymore?!
I’m finding myself becoming increasingly more frustrated and almost at the point of giving up. I’ve put myself out there time and time again and it’s gotten me nowhere. I have a good job, I’m driven and responsible, and I want to find someone with the same qualities. People have told me to “find a hobby” or “don’t look for it and you’ll meet him.” Something’s gotta give, right? Counting on you to point me in the right direction!

– Diary of a Frustrated Gay Man

DOAFGM, first of all, Ted messed with your head. Who breaks up with someone during a romantic ski trip? I hope you gave him a talking to about bad timing. He should have told you about his other prospect before you hopped a plane to Colorado.
It’s interesting that you think of yourself as a minority within a minority. I think of you as the majority. I’m not so sure that being gay has anything to do with your lack of dating options. I think your problem has more to do with age than anything else.
When I was 24, my gay male friends were mostly single. They moved from relationship to relationship, meeting guys with no future potential. But guess what – I can say the same thing about my 24-year-old straight friends, male and female. When everybody turned 29ish, they began to have longer relationships. The people they met seemed more interested in emotional intimacy. I’m not sure how it happened, but it did.
It’s difficult to meet a 24-year-old man who wants a life partner. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight.
It is possible, of course — and you shouldn’t give up. Online dating is a good option, and I’d recommend spelling out your hope for a real relationship in your profile. Dating friends of friends is an option. But really, you’re in the same boat as everyone your age. You had a first love, you got hurt, and now you’re looking for something meaningful in a sea of meaningless. To me, you sound like you’re doing 24 just right.
Readers? Am I right? Is this about age more than anything else? Is Ted clouding the letter writer’s dating vision? Thoughts here. Letters to the right.

– Meredith

Relationships