Fights, A Child, And Emotional Affairs

Monday | March 23, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

Fights, A Child, And Emotional Affairs

Happy Monday. I’m posting this letter from Los Angeles. I’m here for the week visiting family.
I spent much of last night visiting with my 87-year-old great Auntie Ruthie. She got a kick out of reading Love Letters and offered her own advice.
Of Friday’s letter, 87-year-old Auntie Ruthie said, “She should tell him to go to hell.” Of “Social Butterfly,” Ruthie said, “She sounds too strict.” Of our favorite “Staring Guy,” Ruthie said, “A man who is too cowardly to ask a woman to a movie will get nowhere in the bedroom.” Not bad for an old lady.
But let’s get to the matter at hand: today’s letter. It comes to us from Uncertain. Help her out, please. Globe staffers will be posting your comments as fast as they can on my behalf, so be patient.

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 6 years. He has a 7 year old daughter who I love and she loves me back. We have a great relationship because I’ve been in the picture since she was young.
Three years ago, my boyfriend and I entered relationship counseling to help sort out our issues ie: communication, chores. I felt that our relationship was going in a great direction and since we’re both very unconventional people. I decided to propose to him.
His answer was no and he felt weird about the whole thing. Not to mention he wasn’t ready to get married and he doesn’t feel that our relationship is in a place where we should. He thinks that we argue too much and don’t have enough sex.
He’s a very non-confrontational person so I try to explain to him that we don’t argue anymore or less than other folks who have things to deal with such as childcare issues, rent, etc. As for sex, I’ve been battling depression for the past few years and it has taken a toll on our sex life.
But I don’t think it’s anything that’s irreparable.
In any case, within the past year, he’s had an emotional affair which has ended. And regarding marriage, he doesn’t think it’s important but he’ll do it if I want too. Not to mention, that just yesterday, I saw an email that he sent to an ex which he stupidly left open on MY laptop. She’s married and pregnant. And he’s telling her about how he still thinks about her and her smile and how she’s hot.
I’m really uncertain as to how to approach this. Not to mention the effect it would have on his daughter who sees me as her stepmother and keeps saying we should be married.
Please help!
— Uncertain, Boston

Uncertain, let’s forget your relationship with the child for the moment and focus on the boyfriend.
He says there’s not enough sex and that you fight too much. He ‘s having an emotional affair with an ex, at least in his mind. He either wants out of the relationship or he’s playing make believe with this married woman to distract himself from his complicated reality with you.
Your significant other has been clear about the fact that he doesn’t want to get married, at least not to you, at least not now. My question is – has he said what he does want? Does he want to part ways? How does he envision his future?
It’s time to ask the question you’ve probably been afraid to ask, which is: “Do you ever want to get married?” – or better yet, “Are you planning a future with me?”
He’s avoiding confrontation, but I get the sense that you are, too. It’s time to ask the right question, even if the answer might turn your life (and the life of a child) upside down.
Anything other than a ‘yes’ is a ‘no.’
Readers? Agree? Share your thoughts for Uncertain here. Submit a letter to the right.
— Meredith