Dream Man Or Dream Job?

Tuesday | October 6, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

Dream Man Or Dream Job?

Hi.
I’m surprised today’s work vs. love issue doesn’t come up more often. But here it is:

A year ago I met the man of dreams. It was so easy! I am in love with him and I know he is in love with me. Everything was perfect until I got a phone call one day. My dream job was being offered to me. I have wanted this job for my entire career (more than 10 years.) It was an opportunity I couldn’t turn down … if I did I knew one day I would have regretted it. I took the job. I packed up my stuff and after a lot of tears hopped on a plane for Boston. It was heartbreaking for both of us, but something inside me told me that if we were strong enough and truly loved each other it would work out. I’ve now been in Boston for a month and I feel lost. The job is everything I wanted and more, but without him here to share my life with I hurt. I’m sure the big question is, “well, why doesn’t he move here?” He says he is trying to find a job here, but sometimes I question it because I know he’s not a fan of Boston. I know there is a part of him that feels like I abandoned him — like I chose the job over him. I have told him over and over again that I just need to reach my goal by doing this job and that after a few years of it I will move back (I had to sign an agreement with my job to stay for at least 2 years). How can I make him see that yes the job is important to me, but that he is too? And when do you know when a long distance relationship won’t work? Can love truly conquer all and win out in the end?

– blue in boston

Wow, BIB. Good for you – finding the job of your dreams in this economy.
We both know you did the right thing. Nothing in your letter suggests that you regret your decision to move.
All you can do now is see your dream man as much as you can and take him on his word. If he says he’s looking for jobs in Boston, he probably is. If he’s not, that’s OK, too. At this point, both of you should be taking this one day at a time.
If he’s the man of your dreams and he really knows you, he probably understands and respects your decision. He knows that if you had stayed, the relationship would have been more at risk because of resentment.
Here’s the thing to remember — it’s only month one. Month one is going to be awful. It’s going to feel weird for a while, and not just because you miss dream man. There would have been a lonely, lost transition period in Boston even if you had moved here single. It takes a while to feel comfortable in a new setting. I fear that you’re mistaking your new-home anxiety for relationship insecurity.
This is so, so new. Give yourself and your relationship time to reset and adjust to new circumstances. Get him here as much as possible and show him a good time. Try to make long trips – four days as opposed to two.
Take a deep breath and see how it feels after month three. Really, you did what you needed to do. All you can do now is see how your relationship plays out over time. I’m not sure love conquers all, but it conquers a lot. And you’re dealing with a lot, for sure. Go take a walk in your new city, call your dream man, and tell him how pretty New England looks in October.
Get back to us in three months.
Readers? Thoughts? Job vs. love? Share here.

– Meredith

Relationships