Can I Bring Sexy Back?

Friday | May 15, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

Can I Bring Sexy Back?

Lets talk about sex (but be clean with your words — this is a family website, folks). 🙂

Q: Dear Meredith,
I can’t believe I’m writing this, I’m not really the advise seeking type. At least not from strangers!
I have been with a fantastic man for the past nine years, since I graduated from college. I love him and we’ve lived together since I was 25, now in a home he purchased on his own. We have the same interest in travel, culture, cooking, recreation, etc. We have a pet that is just as much a part of our family as either of us are. Needless to say, it’s pretty serious!
I love my life with him, even cherish it. One major point of concern is, well, sex. I don’t seem to be attracted to him the way that I should be. He’s about done with my lack of interest. For the record, it’s not lack of interest in sex, it’s lack of interest in sex with him. My question, Meredith, and I ask that you really think about it, can a relationship survive without chemistry? Does sex therapy work, and can you become attracted physically to someone you love, respect and admire?

Thank you for your time,
Ellie, Alexandria, Va.

Ellie, were you ever physically attracted to him? Was there chemistry when this relationship started? If the answer is yes, I think there’s hope. Married folks will tell you that the sex stuff ebbs and flows. After a while, it’s up to you to be proactive about getting the ebb to flow again, if you know what I mean.
I have to wonder, though — you made it a point to mention that he bought a home on his own. Did you tell us that to indicate that you could bail without causing financial problems? Sex therapy works when people inherently want to stick around for more.
I’m asking you, deep down, do you want to stay? If so, yes, sex therapy — and an exploration of what you discovered about each other when you first started dating — is worth a try. If your answer is no, start the process of doing right by this man, who happens to be your best friend. Being sexually rejected over and over is exhausting. A fantastic man deserves more.
Readers? Can Ellie bring sexy back? Does she want to? Share here. Submit a letter to the right.
— Meredith

Relationships