I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. We live together and have pets together. He is my best friend and we have so much in common. We even have plans to move away together as soon as I finish school. However, I have been battling anxiety and depression for the past 5 years. I just recently fell back into my depression, and am finally understanding how serious it is and that I need to start focusing and working on myself, a lot. Although I hadn’t before, I have started to see several doctors to help me better understand and control myself. I am finally taking necessary steps but every single day is a struggle and I need support. I am extremely independent but have become very needy since I got sick.
Even with all my ups and downs my boyfriend has always stayed with me. Whenever I get really low I try to break up with him but he always talks me out of it (I can’t explain why, I lose faith in him and want to end all contact with others when I’m low). And he has always loved me despite my craziness. However, he has never really been “there” for me. He has a hobby that takes him away — a lot. For days on end he will be gone, several days a week. I get upset because he goes away and ignores his responsibilities with the house, our pets, his job and me. As selfish as it sounds, I need him. I need people who love me to support me at this difficult time.
As I start taking steps to help myself, I feel I should consider moving on without him. That, always looking for him to help me, and him never being there, is only hurting my mental state. I can only rely on him when he is home, when he is gone it’s like I don’t exist. I have friends and family that I can go to but coming home to an empty house and going to bed alone most nights is only worsening my depression.
We have talked the issue to death for our entire relationship. He knows how much it upsets me and yet he goes away more now then ever. He also turns it around on me and says I don’t support the thing he has the most passion for. I feel like I’m second place on his priority list but he keeps saying I’m not.
I love him. He is my best friend and my soul mate. But I need more right now, I need to get better and I can’t do it sitting alone every night. Yes, I go out and have friends over but it doesn’t help. He says I should go away and travel more like he does — and I do take the occasional weekend get away. But that solves nothing as it only brings us further apart.
I feel better when I’m with him. I feel safe and secure. As pathetic and selfish as I sound, that is how I feel at the moment. But I am so high when we are together and so, so low when we are not. I need stability and security. Should I move on and focus on myself? Or will a break up right now only deepen my depression?
I have asked him to take me along when he travels. I ask all the time and he always says “it’s a guy thing and I wouldn’t enjoy it.” Even though the few times he did let me go (without the other guys) I had a blast. One time he actually asked if I wanted to go and I got so excited and said of course! Taken aback he said… “oh well… I didn’t think you’d want to go. I think it’s going to be stag. I’ll ask if the other guys are bringing their girlfriends.”
I have also suggested we partake in hobbies together. Do new things together all the time but he always loses interest and never seems to have any time.
He has a separate life that he will not let me be a apart of. Is it selfish to say I want all of him or none of him?
— Meh on Mass. Ave.