A Real Ex File

Thursday | April 9, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

A Real Ex File

This reader found love letters she never wanted to see.

My boyfriend of nearly four years asked me to look in his file cabinet for papers containing a given date that he needed. Upon searching for the file folder, I noticed two folders with his ex-girlfriend’s name on them. I unfortunately looked inside and noticed that they were mostly filled with love letters from her. There were pictures, as well. When I confronted him about the folders he said he hadn’t looked at them since she left and he had them for a record of his history. There isn’t a file about me or his other ex-girlfriends, which he says there should be, but of course there isn’t. They still talk and when she is in relationship troubles, she contacts him for advice instead of the numerous family members and friends that she has back home. He says he’s only interested in her friendship. He says he’s sorry that the file upset me, but he doesn’t want to get rid of the file. I am concerned about his feelings for her. Is this normal for a guy to need and want to keep these love letters and am I justified in being concerned?
— Marina, Bozeman

Are you in Bozeman, Montana? That is far from Boston. That is also where they filmed “A River Runs Through It.” But I digress.
Marina, you’re justified in being concerned about this ex file — but I’m not sure you have the right to tell your boyfriend to take it to the shredder.
As we get older, we have more exes, and we have every right to keep mementos from our experiences with those exes. Sometimes we have an ex we loved more than other exes — an ex we thought we could have married or miss having around on a random Sunday. We’re human. These feelings are pretty normal.
Your partner hasn’t been with his ex for four years. She must be important, but she’s his past, not his present.
If your boyfriend talks to her frequently — if she’s calling him weekly for advice — if she’s disrespecting you — then you have every right to throw up a red flag. But if she makes the occasional every-few-months check-up phone call, it’s OK. It just means he values his relationships, including the one he has with you.
But you’re not supposed to have to see this stuff. Maybe buy him a file cabinet with a lock — and get one for yourself.
Readers? Agree? Share here. Read yesterday’s fantastic chat about lining up girlfriends and various other unethical practices here.
— Meredith