Should She Divorce?

Tuesday | February 10, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

Should She Divorce?

To divorce or not to divorce — that’s her question. See below:

My husband and I got married in early 20s right after we graduated from college. Then both of us went to graduate school and took years to finish. Now we are working and in our early 30s. When we first got married, we didn’t want kids. But after finishing graduate school I started feeling that it would be nice to have a baby in my life. He didn’t like the idea. His first response was “you said you didn’t want kids?” Which is truth, and I am not going to deny it. I explained to him that I’m in different stage of my life more, more mature and want different things, he kind of accepted. But he insisted that we were not financially ready to have a baby. Then I argued that we have average income and we don’t have debt. People in much worse financial situation are having kids and happy. It took almost three years, back and forth endless bitter arguments. I was exhausted and hurt and decided just put it out of my mind for a while. Now, maybe he finally somehow came to his sense, he wants to have kids with me. But after all these years I don’t even know if I want kid with him anymore. I still want to have kids, just not sure if it is a good idea to have with him. I am 33 and he is younger, 31. We have been married for almost 10 years. It has not been very smooth 10 years. When we were young, he addicted to computer games as most early 20s. I was too young to feel OK to demand him stop but I knew I was not happy. There are other small things. So it is not very smooth 10 years. People told me we were just too young, and young couple fights and get back together. I believed it. Then the issue about babies. Now I can feel biological clock is ticking. He is fine now seems to be willing to do whatever I ask. Just all these years, I felt deeply hurt and didn’t know if I’d ever be able to get back to where we were anymore. We have talked about divorce and all the possibilities through the years. To him no matter we are together or not, he would like to take care of me. I think he must be feeling guilty about the possibility that I may end up childless. What I am afraid is that on big issues, such like kids, we are not on the same page most of time. How if some big decision comes in the future, we have to fight for another few years to reach some agreement. I am just really tired and don’t know what to do.
— Green, Boston

I’m sorry, Green. This sounds like a mismatch.
You and your husband are not on the same page about big issues like kids. You’re also not on the same page about little issues — like video games. You got married young. You’ve already talked about divorce. If the fear that you’ll be alone and childless is the only reason he’s sticking around, I think you can do better.
He deserves someone who doesn’t want kids. You didn’t live up to your promise on that one – and frankly, you were too young to know better. Meanwhile, now that you’re in your 30s and you know what you want (kids), he isn’t comfortable evolving with you.
Not once in your letter do you say you love him. You’re far more concerned with sticking it out and obligation.
I can’t promise that there’s a guy waiting around the corner who is 33, wants kids, and is single … but there might be.
You’re both still young. At 33, you shouldn’t be so tired. And if you do love him and want him to stick around — for the right reasons — get to couples therapy pronto so you can be sure whatever decision you make is an honest one.
Readers? Is divorce the best option? Share your thoughts here. Or, submit your own letter here.
— Meredith