Should I Tattle About A Cheat?

Tuesday | February 23, 2010

Love Letters Relationships

Should I Tattle About A Cheat?

Reminding all letter writers to include their hometowns. I happen to know this one is local, but it’s nice to know the zip code, yes?

Last summer I attended a family wedding on my husband’s side. It was a beautiful wedding, lots of fun and dancing, with the majority of guests lasting into the night in their early to mid twenties. Here’s the quandary: I stumbled upon my husband’s cousins’ girlfriend kissing someone who was clearly not her boyfriend (my husband’s cousin).
It actually surprised me, and my “excuse me” immediately caused them to break away, then proceed to tell me that I didn’t see anything, and it wasn’t what it looked like. I probably should have confronted them then, but instead opted to not make a scene and said something along the lines of “I hope not” and exited.
Fast forward to today. We now live within a few miles of said cousin, and said “girlfriend” who has now moved in with him. Both my husband and I love his cousin to death and don’t want to see him hurt, but we haven’t said anything since 1) we figured she wouldn’t last since they are young and 2) once a cheat always a cheat and it would eventually come out and 3) they are young maybe it was truly a stupid wedding drunken moment that meant nothing.
The cousin is clearly invested and madly in love- so I guess the question is: should we now spill the beans or forever hold our tongue? Also, he is now thinking of buying a house with her … it was all we could both do at lunch to not say a word. Also, we really don’t know this girl at all, so maybe we are jumping the gun? At the same time, no one in the family seems to know her either … I appreciate the advice you and your readers can contribute to this.

– Do we tell about the kiss?

DWTATK, my advice is to get to know her. Tell your husband’s cousin that if he’s getting serious with this woman, you’d love to spend some time with her. Maybe after some exposure, you’ll be more comfortable with their relationship.
I’m all for telling about cheats. I really am. I’m not for telling people what to do. I’m not for saying, “Your partner cheated and you must break up with him/her.” I’m just for honesty. Your honest disclosure last summer would have been, “I may have seen something at the wedding and now I feel weird and I don’t know what to do about it.”
But almost a year later, you’ve missed that boat. The kiss part is done. It would be odd and unfair to bring it up now. Your only job now is to care for him, get to know his partner, respect his choices, and be there if he shows up at your door.
And for what it’s worth, I think you could be jumping the gun. You’re the cousin-in-law. That means there’s a lot you don’t know.
Readers? Am I wrong to say she should have mentioned the kiss last summer? Is there a statute of limitations on tattling about a cheat? Are we supposed to tattle? Is it weird that no one in the family knows this woman? What should be done? Share.

– Meredith

Relationships