My Wife And My Ex And My Daughter

Friday | January 15, 2010

Love Letters Relationships

My Wife And My Ex And My Daughter

Ah, weekend. Almost.
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And here we go.

Hi Meredith,
I have been married to the love of my life for 10 years, and she had a 9yo girl from her previous marriage when we married. The girl’s father is totally out of the picture and I have adopted her. I was divorced from my first wife for several years before we met. Anyway, our child is now 19 and is looking at colleges.
It just so happens that my ex-wife is a respected professor at one of the colleges she is considering — in the field our daughter wants to study.
I have suggested that we go visit my ex and the school and that’s where the trouble starts. I guess I kinda neglected to tell new wife that I have been in contact with the ex all these years. Nothing major or inappropriate. A couple of e-mails a year, “how ya doin’,” “I moved,” “check out my new book,” “my e-mail has changed,” etc.
Now (I think it’s Tiger Woods syndrome or something) I find my wife checking up on me all the time — looking over my shoulder when I’m online. I suspect she’s tried to break in to my e-mail, and I know she’s gone through my phone. All things she’s never done before.
I’ve never given her any reason to suspect me of fooling around. I’m always home, been a good hubby and dad, and was only thinking of a way to give our daughter a leg up in getting into this program at this school.
She says she feels betrayed that I never told her about my contacts with the ex. I tell her I’m sure there are people she e-mails that I don’t know about.
Also, I think there’s nothing wrong with re-establishing contact with my ex as a family as someone who could mentor and keep an eye on our baby girl while she is away at school.
Despite our differences 20 years ago, she is a nice highly-respected professor who is also remarried with her own family.
My wife disagrees. Thoughts/opinions?

– goin nuts in ma

GNIM, I’m with you – for the most part. I think it’s great that you’re friendly with your ex, and great that your ex wants to help your daughter get into a good school.
I think your wife would be on board if you had been more honest about the communication over the years. I’m not sure why you weren’t … and for the record, it’s very possible there isn’t anyone your wife talks to without telling you.
Apologize to your wife. Tell her it was a dinky decision to keep her out of the loop. Offer to take her to visit the school – and to meet your ex so that she can see the reality of the relationship. Do whatever you need to do. I understand why she feels threatened and blindsided. She’s not wrong for needing some time to get over the fact that you kept this e-mail friendship a secret.
I think that if you keep your wife involved in the communication from now on, she’ll be open to your ex helping your daughter — at least with information and admissions. I’m not so sure she’ll ever want your ex to “keep an eye” on your daughter. It sounds pretty ideal – one big happy family, right? – but manage your expectations. This stuff is tricky.
And maybe spent some time figuring out why you never mentioned the ex’s e-mails to your wife. Were you avoiding a conflict? Was it just nice having something private? Did it feel like your own personal nostalgia? Was it really that it just didn’t matter? Maybe if you can label your motives more clearly, your wife will understand and forgive.
Readers? What can he do to make his wife trust him with his ex? Should his ex help his daughter? Was it OK that he didn’t disclose the communication with his ex? Share.

– Meredith

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