Levels Of Love

Tuesday | October 13, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

Levels Of Love

Welcome back.
If you didn’t read yesterday’s comments, please do. Everyone was especially intelligent and hilarious.
Today’s letter is about moderate love vs. extreme love. And it has bullet points.
Shall we?

Here’s my question: Can love be felt at different levels? Moderate, High, Extreme?
Here’s why I ask: Two men; two completely different relationships (and feelings of love).
Past Relationship: I was completely and totally in love and here’s why:
– We were best friends for a while before dating
– We understood each other better than anyone else we had ever met
– Constant conversation and laughter (we have the same exact sense of humor)
– Shared the exact same interests & always had a blast together
– Friends/Family loved him; loved us
Side note: broke up mutually because of timing.
Current Relationship: I love him and here’s why:
– Honest, caring, genuine, trustworthy, committed, handsome, fun
– Very motivated (work, gym, healthy eating habits, to succeed in general)
– Share many interests but have different views on various things (which can be a good thing!)
– Friends/Family love him; love us
I believe I’m currently in love. Even though I am not constantly laughing and he doesn’t actually finish my sentences on a daily basis, I know he truly loves and cares about me. However, I’m confusing myself as to whether I just really like him or if in fact I do love him, regardless of the natural and rare connection I felt in the past.
In summary, am I denying the inevitable with the ex or is my past definition (level) of love a detriment to my current relationship?
To the more experienced & wiser: Please help me out of this cavity of confusion!

– Looking for advice, Salem

LFA, there’s one big difference between your two lists.
“We were best friends for a while before dating.”
That sort of changes everything. A pre-existing friendship makes love so much more intense.
My guess is that you haven’t had as much time with your current love. Comparing an old love to a new love is like comparing apples to oranges — or maybe more like comparing a ripe avocado to a new, tough avocado that isn’t quite ready to be made into guacamole. The new avocado might be great for guacamole someday. You just have to give it time.
I’m sure everyone noticed that your old guy has five bullet points while your new guy has only four. And one of your new guy’s bullet points is about his eating habits — not sexy. Can I add a bullet point to your new love’s list? He’s here. He’s with you. The ex is not.
Sometimes that “rare connection” you have with a first love is difficult to find as a grown-up. I’m not sure how old you are, but when you meet someone in your teens or early 20s, love can feel especially intense. Emotional intimacy is easier to achieve when you have all the time in the world and nothing to hold you back. If you started dating this new guy as an adult and had a more formal courting process, you might not see his super-amazing bullet points until later.
Are you still in touch with your ex? If not, perhaps you should be. I know, I know – everyone is going to disagree with me on this one. But I get the sense that you’re remembering your ex as better than he was. Perhaps a reality check – or even a talk with your friends about how things really went down – will help you determine whether your five-bullet-point guy was really as deeply connected to your soul as you remember.
My guess is that your ex was great in the context of your old self, but we have to focus on your new self — your adult self. Would your ex be able to finish your sentences now? Would your love for him be as “extreme” in the present?
Readers? Are there different levels of love? Is this reader in love? Should she be comparing the new guy to the old guy? What do her bullet points tell us? Share here. Letters to the right.

– Meredith

Relationships