Is The Marriage Over?

Monday | March 30, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

Is The Marriage Over?

Should two years of misery lead to divorce? Help Conflicted.

My husband of five years and I have been having problems for the past two years or so. We started distancing ourselves from each other, consciously and subconsciously, for a number of reasons. We started facing these issues about a year ago (I was seeing a therapist myself), and talked about couples counseling but never quite made it there. Then, for reasons too long to go into here, I denied my unhappiness and just played along as though things had improved.
About a month ago, I realized I couldn’t continue the charade, and told my husband again how unhappy I am, and that I’m very close to being done with our marriage. He very much wants our marriage to work. I agreed to keep “trying,” and we’ve started couples counseling, but the very honest truth is that I’m only doing this because I feel like I owe it to him. He’s a wonderful human being, and I love him, but I’m not in love with him anymore, and I’ve known this for a long time. I also worry that he couldn’t emotionally handle me simply walking away, so I’ve stayed.
Am I doing the right thing by staying, even though I really cannot imagine my feelings changing back to the way they were two-plus years ago? Am I just leading him on?
It doesn’t help matters that I’ve recently made a very intense, intimate connection with someone going through a similar process (he’s much farther along in it). He’s someone I only vaguely knew 10 years ago, and randomly reconnected with online. We have not physically seen each other in a decade (he lives several states away), and I have no plan, clue, thoughts about what, if any, future we have together. I sure as hell wouldn’t be leaving my husband FOR him, or anyone else. If anything, it feels like a push in the direction I should have taken a year ago. But, it certainly complicates things because the connection I feel with him is more than I’ve ever felt with anyone, including my husband.
— Conflicted, Boston

Conflicted, “trying” means more than just continuing to show up everyday. If you’re serious about counseling, do the work. For real.
But if you’re sure you can’t be in love with your husband again – if you’re sure you’d rather live a life without him – perhaps it’s time to stop, as you put it, “leading him on.” What you “owe him” is honesty and the chance for real happiness. You owe that to yourself, too. Just know that when you leave, you should be ready to go it alone. Also know that any relationship comes with complications. Consider that these problems may not be specific to your husband. You’ll hit bumps with any partner after a few years. It’s important to know how to work through them.
You seem self-aware about the fact that this new online friend can’t be used as an escape route, but I have to wonder to what extent you’d be trying to reconcile with your husband if this theoretical man didn’t exist. I also have to wonder whether you’ve been sticking around just for your husband, as you say. If he told you he’d be fine if you left – if there was no guilt involved — would you really run out the door?
So often, couples in counseling waste their time telling each other what they believe a therapist wants to hear. I recommend you spend you hard-earned money on a counseling session that’s honest – 100 percent honest — even if the truth makes you sound like a horrible person. If honesty means you tell your husband you’ve had one foot out the door for a year, so be it. If it means you tell him you’re afraid to be alone and want to line up a new partner before you leave, so be it. If it means you tell him that you’re only sticking around because you feel like a jerk, so be it.
If you’re honest as opposed to just playing along, I think you’ll both come to the right decision. And fast.
Readers? Has she given up to soon? Is it possible to fall in love after you’ve already fallen out of it? How much do you think this internet friend is influencing Conflicted’s decision? Unload some advice here. Submit a letter to the right. Read 80-plus comments of tough, tough love from Friday here.
— Meredith

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