Dear Meredith,
I’ve been in a relationship with someone we’ll call “Peter” for a year. I’m 22, he’s 25, but we’re both still in college. (The reason he’s still in college is because he took time off between high school and college to play a sport – not because he’s stupid and got held back or anything like that).
Anyway, I’m his longest relationship. He’s not mine – I was in a three-and-a-half year relationship that ended right before (literally, the day before) he and I started hanging out. I’ll admit, this whole relationship began with a one night fling. But we haven’t made it this far just because I was rebounding – I’ve genuinely developed feelings for him and at this point, I think I love him too much for my own good. Sounds crazy, but this is why I need your advice.
“Peter” is finishing up his final season playing his sport and thus his final full year at college, where I will remain for another year. He has the potential to get signed any day, which basically means he has the potential to leave any day. I have my own place, but I literally haven’t unpacked since I moved there six months ago. I’ve been living with Peter full-time at his apartment for quite a while. We got a cat together and we love it to death. I have a ton of stuff here – so much so, that it would take me at least a full day to move out. Anyway, I’m digressing.
My concern is this: Since the beginning, I’ve tried to be the rock in our relationship. By this I mean I tried to be the skeptic, the one who doubted that this had long-term potential, while he was the one who made direct comments toward marriage, etc. I did this to protect myself. I know one year isn’t a long time, especially since I was in such a long relationship before, but with each day I feel my strength dissolve. I would be utterly lost without Peter and it scares the living hell out of me. At the same time, I think he’s becoming less and less idealistic, and I worry that my concerns about our future (for example, where he’ll go, what I’ll do, whether or not we’ll be able to trust each other without jealousy taking the upper hand) are pushing him away. That’s because most of the time, these worries come out when I have a little too much to drink – which results in me waking up the next day feeling vulnerable and quite frankly, pretty stupid. He says not to worry about it and that he loves me, but I’m frustrating MYSELF – how can I not be frustrating him with my emotional drunken talks (that are actually legitimate, but that I try to steer away from under all circumstances and especially while I’m sober?)
I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t want to seem needy. But I feel like I’ve lost my rock-like persona and it shows. I’m scared he doesn’t like the insecure me – after all, who likes insecurity? But our future together is anything but secure. He could leave any day and literally go anywhere. I wish I didn’t care so much, but I do. Am I over-reacting? Do you think it’s possible that he really isn’t bothered by my (drunken) discussions about whether or not things will work out? Are my fears pushing him away? What do I do? I feel like I should take some time to be away from him and let him figure out whether or not I’m what he wants anymore. But at the same time, I think I’d be doing that to protect myself under the cover of “bettering our relationship.”
HELP!

– Care Bear, Boston