Acting Like He’s Still Married

Wednesday | October 21, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

Acting Like He’s Still Married

I’m back in Boston. I missed you. I’ll post a note about my trip to Barcelona, but I’ll do it on another page so you don’t have to scroll through it all day. And yes, now that I’m home, I’ll reconvene peace talks with the techies for more improvements.
You all sent me great letters while I was gone. I was up until 1 a.m. reading them, which is very late in Barcelona time. I’m ready for a nap again.
Here’s today’s letter:

Dear Meredith,
I have been dating a married (separated not yet divorced) man for the past 8 months. He maintains a separate residence in a town close to his family’s home. He was married for 16 years and he and his ex/current wife have 1 daughter who is almost 4 yrs. old. He is kind and loving, smart and fun to be around. We have a good relationship. I know he loves me and tries very hard to take care of me and make me happy. I am not shy about sharing my opinions and feelings.
Here’s the rub. He moved out 8 months ago and I think he spends too much time at his family’s home in the company of is ex/current wife. Apart from childcare issues and the time he spends with his daughter, which I remain flexible and understanding about, I don’t think he should be spending anytime at the residence. He doesn’t see this as a problem. I find it weird. I also think it perpetuates the idea that he and his ex are still a couple.
Typically (currently, he is unemployed), he will leave my apartment in the city and travel north to take care of his daughter in the morning then drop her at daycare. He then heads back to the family homestead and spends most days there (whether the wife is there or not). He does the dishes, the laundry, and sometimes grocery shopping. He maintains the lawn and will shovel snow in the winter.
Today for example, she is home sick from work and he is there as well. When I asked him whether he felt uncomfortable being there when she is there, he said no. There are other issues about boundaries too numerous to mention … like him lying about attending a family birthday party with his daughter and ex in the same car (no I was not invited) and his ex calling/texting repeatedly his cell phone on his “day off” when she knows that he is with me. It could be manipulation on her part or it could be falling into old patterns. The frustrating thing is that I see it as a problem but he does not.
To me his behavior or lack of boundaries signals that he is not ready to have this relationship with me if he hasn’t moved on from his last one. So I ask him to clarify those boundaries and he waffles and seems confused about how to move forward.
Am I just wasting my time? Will he figure this out? Do I put aside all the good stuff we have between us and just move on?

– Am I The Girlfriend or NOT (AITGON)

AITGON, if I’m reading this right, you’ve been dating this man since the day he moved out of his family’s house. Is that right? Hmmm.
To answer your most basic question, yes, you are the girlfriend. You’re the girlfriend of a man who’s not yet divorced and is trying to figure out how to maintain a comfortable relationship with his ex and his child. It’s a little odd that he spends so much time at his ex’s house, but frankly, he’s experimenting. He’s separated. He has a lot on his plate — and you’re not necessarily the most important thing on it.
If you want to be the center of someone’s attention — if you want to date someone who can prioritize getting to know you — this guy isn’t the guy. You sound like you want a real boyfriend. This guy can’t be that. He’s too busy considering a divorce, maintaining a good relationship with his ex, and parenting. The fact that he doesn’t see anything wrong with his situation should confirm that.
Be honest about what you want. If you want it all, go find it in a more appropriate package. If you want him, start getting used to what he’s willing to offer.
Readers? Should this man be hanging out at his ex’s all the time? Should the letter writer wait to see what happens after a few more months? Is this letter writer allowed to make demands? Share thoughts here.

– Meredith

Relationships