I Didn’t Make A Move

Friday | December 18, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

I Didn’t Make A Move

It’s freezing. But you already know that.
Help me give this ugly-turned-hot duckling a little push in the right direction.

Hi Meredith,
I really have to get this off my chest and I hope you and your readers can help me! This is an ugly duckling story …
I’m a guy in my 20s who is very much a late bloomer. High school was a disaster for me; I was always the smallest kid in my grade, scrawny, had braces, battled bad acne, went through various phases of awful haircuts … the works. As you can imagine, I didn’t exactly have girls swooning over me. But there was one girl who went out her way to be nice to me and we formed a really tight friendship. I was definitely attracted to her at first, but knew that she was way out of my league and was content with friendship.
Late in my senior year, something finally clicked genetically and I grew over a foot, the acne went away, and I filled out a lot. I gained a lot of self confidence and by the end of the summer before college people weren’t even recognizing me. The girl and I went off to college in different cities but remained in contact and visited each other infrequently. Somewhere along the way, we lost contact … largely because of her boyfriend, who clearly saw me as a threat even though our friendship was totally platonic. I didn’t see her or speak to her for about two years.
Then one day, I received a message from her on Facebook. She was going to be in my city and wanted to catch up. We had lunch together and it was like we were never apart. We made arrangements for me to visit her city. When I went, something was clearly different between us. We went out for drinks and dancing with some of her friends and I danced with her all night. We absolutely tore up the dance floor, and as the night went on (and we both got really drunk) our dancing got more and more flirtatious with some serious grinding going on. I found myself in love. Head over heels crazy. We walked home arm and arm AND… I slept on her couch!
I didn’t make the move. I choked. I really wanted to, the moment was there and I just didn’t do it. I’m still very much a shy person and for some reason I just couldn’t do it. What if she said no? What if she was just drunk and was only dancing like that because she is so comfortable with how platonic our relationship has been? What if she wants to just stay friends? I would have lost her friendship and I really do treasure that. Now my inaction is killing me. I can’t get her off my mind. The chemistry between us is like nothing I’ve ever felt and I feel like I really, really blew it.
We have stayed in contact since the visit and she keeps saying she can’t wait for me to visit again. I want to but I’m extremely nervous. I’m no good at this type of thing. How can I overcome my fears and tell her how I feel about her? Please help!

– Just Friends?, Massachusetts

JF, I think I’ve seen this movie.
First of all, you did not mess up by sleeping on the couch. You were drunk. So was she. By staying on the couch, you made it possible to do this right. You made it possible to see her again and to have a nice cozy dinner. You made it possible to lean in for a perfect, sober kiss. And hopefully, that’s what she wants.
I’m not in this woman’s head, but I think she finds you attractive. I mean, there was grinding.
Not only that, she cares about you. And she knows that you respect her. And you have a history. And you trust each other. My goodness, it’s all so promising.
Just be yourself. When you visit her again (and please do – soon), tell her that you have more-than-friends feelings for her and that you’re nervous to make a move. Tell her that you’re panicked about hurting the friendship, but that you’re willing to take the risk if she is. And then you can figure it out together. Be your nice, ugly-duckling self in your new cool-guy body.
But please know this – you didn’t screw it up. You owe it to yourself to pursue this when you’re both sober. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck wondering whether her response — positive or negative — was a real one.
Readers? How does an ugly duckling find courage? Did he mess up by camping out on the couch? What’s with all of these booze letters? Am I wrong to assume she likes him back? Share.

– Meredith

Relationships