He’s So Defensive
Good morning.
I have to go to L.A. next week. My Aunt Ruth died, so I’m going to go out to see the family and to do some West Coast Globe work. It shouldn’t affect us, but our chat time may have to change. I’ll keep you posted.
It’s worth mentioning that Auntie Ruthie had a small role in Love Letters. She gave some pretty great advice a few months ago. Thank you, Ruthie. You will be missed.
Today’s letter is about communicating without being a jerk.
Q. Dear Meredith,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little less than a year. I love him so much and I want to be with him. Typically things are fantastic. We are both on the same page as far as wanting to be together and supporting each other. We have a great time hanging out and we fit really well into each others families.
Lately though our age difference (only two years, I’m 26 he’s 24) has really started to come between us. I get frustrated by his sometimes party-boy mentality, and even more so by his immature approach to communicating as a couple. It doesn’t happen all the time, but we’ll go through waves where he’ll revert back to a typical post-college grad who’s looking to party. I don’t worry about him with other women — it’s more just that he’s drinking too much. When this happens I always feel like I end up playing “Mom” and disapproving of his actions. I generally keep those feelings to myself because I don’t want to feel like I’m lecturing him.
The other issue is that if I do try to let him know when things are upsetting me he immediately takes an extreme response to my concerns. For example, if I say “I’m upset that I didn’t get to see you this weekend,” his response would be “Oh, so I’m not allowed to hang out with my friends?” And obviously, this cycles back into some other explanation which gets misconstrued and again and again we go around. The other reaction is that he will just shut me out and not talk at all about it. Or just figure that it’s something that I will “get over” on my own, and that he should leave me alone until then. Obviously that just makes me feel worse. I feel that these responses are very immature especially when we should be paying attention to each others feelings and trying to work things out together.
So my question is — how do I handle this? Do I just sit back and wait for him to outgrow this immaturity or is there some other way that I can communicate with him so he understands I’m trying to have a discussion and a mature relationship. It feels like he’s had some relationship in the past where his girlfriend tried to push him to the extreme, just to see how far she could go and his only reaction was to push right back. I don’t want to get stuck in that cycle. I want to be able to say when something is bothering me, address it together and move on. At the same time, I want him to feel comfortable doing the same.
– Part Time Babysitter, Boston
A. PTB, it seems your issue is the communication, not the bad behavior. Interesting.
Some people fight like this … they immediately lunge or get unnecessarily defensive or make accusations to deflect attention. It’s difficult to teach someone how to talk instead of fight.
My advice is to try to change up the time and setting of these talks. Refrain from discussing problems in the heat of the moment and wait until a more random time when you’re both in good moods.
Also, stop trying to be his mom. You can’t really tell him what to do … but you can tell him what you’ll put up with. Meaning, if he wants to go get boozy on a Friday night and party like he’s 22, so be it. But you’re not coming along. Just tell him to be safe, and to call you when he’s done. And instead of phrasing a complaint like, “I’m upset I didn’t get to see you this weekend,” spin it positive – as in, “When can we hang out? I’m in the mood for quality time.”
Maybe don’t say “I’m in the mood for quality time.” That sounds stupid. But you get my point. Tell him what you want (him) instead of judging his priorities.
I’m not saying you should tiptoe around this guy. You’re allowed to state your beef. But learning to communicate without fighting is not easy for some people. It does take some practice to learn the difference between discussion and attack. If you notice that he’s starting to get into a defensive crouch, tell him you’re not angry and that he should save that energy for when you’re both really ticked off. Because that’s bound to happen.
And perhaps try all of it in writing. Often, people wind up communicating like adults when they’re forced to write it down.
As for the party-guy behavior, we’ll, he’s 24. You’re right – the communication is a more important worry, at the moment.
Readers? Advice on how to discuss instead of spar? Can he learn to stop jumping into defense mode? And … should she be worried about his partying behavior? Share.
– Meredith
Be civil. Be kind.
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