He Wants To Get Married

Thursday | April 16, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

He Wants To Get Married

She wants to wait. Is that OK?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now. For the past year and a half, a bunch of his friends have been getting married and he feels the pressure that he also needs to get married too. I’m 26 and he’s only 6 months older than me. I always thought that girls are the ones that get the pressure to get married because “our biological clocks are ticking.” One would think I’m the one that feels the pressure to need to get married soon, isn’t it? I am definitely not in a rush to get married right now and don’t really feel that same pressure, I have a lot of career goals and personal goals to achieve first before “settling” down for a family. Sometimes his pressure to want to get married makes me feel guilty for not wanting to settle down until much later. He’s known my plans ever since we started dating that I probably won’t really be ready to get married and have kids until I’m around 30. If he wants to get married soon, then why is he still with me?
I guess I’m still trying to figure out whether he is the one, I never really thought that I’d end up with a guy like him. When I get married, I don’t want to get divorced so I want to make sure that he’s the one that I can grow with and love for the rest of my life. I know he can support me financially and physically, but he still has to work on the ability to support me on the emotional level. My best friends have always been my emotional support system throughout my life and he just hasn’t been even remotely close to what they have been for me. Should I not be comparing him to what my best friends have been for me? I have thought about breaking up with him several times because of his inability to support me emotionally, but somehow, he has this ability to pull me back in by doing something sweet. I feel like sometimes, he doesn’t do anything if he doesn’t NEED to. He’s a smart guy, he’s got the IQ, but not so much on the emotional intelligence part. I can tell that he’s working on that part since I’ve told him that. But should I expect him to be able to talk to me and support me emotionally like my best friends do?
— Expectations, Boston

Expectations, he is who he is. And I sort of love him for trying, no matter what.
You’re right to ask questions about what makes a marriage work. It’s fine that you want to focus on yourself for a while before you get married.
That said, you can’t make him feel as though this is about his shortcomings. It’s not OK to make him run around in circles trying to become the person you might want to marry when you’re older.
We never get to know for sure if there’s someone better out there — someone more perceptive, someone more loving, someone taller … We have to decide whether the package we’ve found is worth keeping. I’d focus less on changing him and spend more time considering the life you want and what you need to be happy.
I do think that friends offer intimacy and companionship that a romantic partner can’t — but as we get older, they often move away. They have kids. They’re less available. Maybe you can start running to your boyfriend first, just to see if it helps the relationship evolve.
He sounds like he could be a gem. Do some thinking.
Readers? Is it OK for Expectations to ask her boyfriend to wait? Should she cut ties if she has doubts now? Share your thoughts here. Read yesterday’s chat about mean exes here.
— Meredith