Dating The Unreliable

Monday | February 8, 2010

Love Letters Relationships

Dating The Unreliable

Hello.
First, I’ve put together some FAQ’s about Friday’s Love Letters event. If you have any other questions, let me know.
Second, the Globe is running a contest for recently engaged couples, and I’m judging. You can find information here.
Third, a letter:

Meredith, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this column. You are your readers are the absolute best!!!
Here’s my drama:
I have been dating a man for three months. He’s generally a great guy but he has one problem — he is NOT very reliable. At first it was little things like being an hour late for a date so we’d miss a movie or ‘forgetting’ that one of his kids had to be somewhere and rescheduling our date for the next day. Last night, however, was the kicker. He called me to cancel 45 minutes AFTER he was supposed to get here. Needless to say I felt like a total fool after sitting on my couch all dolled up only to be completely and totally stood up. His only excuse was “I’m just really tired.” That would have been a lame excused 1 hour BEFORE the date was supposed to happen. It is a downright horrible excuse 45 minutes AFTER he was supposed to be here. After this incident I told him that we needed to take a break during which time he needed to determine whether he really wanted to be in a relationship with me or not. He seemed genuinely shocked and upset about this. However, my gut is telling me that he can’t really be that into me or he would not treat me that way. I have NEVER been treated that way and deserve better. So, what do you think? Am I over-reacting? Is it possible that this guy just operates at a slower speed and I should just get used to it — or is he not really into me as I suspect? As always, I appreciate the thoughts of you and your faithful readers.

– Dude Not Reliable, Boston

DNR, here’s what I have to say about this relationship: do not resuscitate (sorry, you threw me that softball).
Wanna know why I think you should drop this man? Because when I looked for your e-mail address to let you know that I’d be running your letter, I noticed that you had e-mailed me twice before about the same issues — once in December and again in January. I didn’t get the chance to run those letters, but my thought is, if you were miserable enough to write to me on three separate occasions about the same issue, it’s time to admit that nothing has changed.
I’m not sure that this is about him not being into you. It seems to me that this is about his inability to deal with his life. Balancing a new relationship and kids isn’t easy. I’m sure this guy is being pulled in many directions. But he’s a grown-up and he should be better at this. He should be able to honor his family’s needs and his own health without making you wait on a couch for 45 minutes.
If you want to be someone’s priority, this isn’t the relationship for you. If this is just about your insecurity about his feelings for you — and you could live with his flakiness if you knew he really cared for you — you might want to talk to him some more about his motives.
But really, this is the beginning of the relationship, the time that’s supposed to be mostly kisses, bubbles, and butterflies. If you’ve spent most of the three months thinking, “dude not reliable,” I give you permission to go look for another dude. I’m not sure this man’s intentions are evil, but I am sure he isn’t meeting your expectations. And your expectations don’t sound crazy to me.
Readers? Should she give him a break because of his kids? Is this about him not being into her? Is she justified in her all-caps anger? Share.

– Meredith

Relationships