Confessions Of A Serial Dater

Tuesday | December 15, 2009

Love Letters Relationships

Confessions Of A Serial Dater

Yesterday was interesting.
When we do a “Best of Love Letters” book — and shouldn’t we? – yesterday’s letter will go under the chapter called “Booze.” And “Booze” will probably follow the chapter called “I just broke into my boyfriend’s e-mail account.”
This next letter came in with the subject line “I lost my game? (I think).”
I’m mentioning the subject line because I think it’s relevant. Here we go:

Hi.
I read these entries from time to time and thought it might make sense to share my predicament.
First, let me share with you what I am: 27, single male, successful and extremely ambitions, absolutely in shape, and absolutely a social butterfly. My goal over the past three or four years has been to meet new people and ride the wave of not knowing the next step. Between work, intramural sports, exercising, and meeting various circles of friends, I keep myself busy. Perhaps too busy.
There was a point where I was clicking on all cylinders in terms of romance. I wasn’t in a relationship, but was meeting and enjoying my time with a number of people. My last absolutely solid relationship was in college. Two themes have inadvertently become the focal points of my attitude since:
— Serial dating is hard to break as a habit.
— My give-up-on-good situations efficiency is unreal.
My take is that the two combined have caused me to focus on first impressions (something I do quite a bit for work as well) and lose my ability to retain interest, primarily on the other end. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve gone on two or three dates, only to find myself in the middle of a rapid implosion. This of course leads me to believe that I’m doing something very wrong even when seriously interested. The conclusion: that my post-two-or-three-date personality has totally left the building.
Of course, it’s impossible to gauge these situations on my own because I’m in my own head. Over thinking is also a tough habit to break.
So, this is really a call for similar experiences. Any good solutions for completely and utterly breaking these habits? I’m a full believer in the it-happens-when-you-aren’t-looking methodology.

– Misfiring on a few cylinders

MOAFC, I want you to try to shake your brain like an Etch A Sketch. Jiggle it around so your old definition of “game” disappears.
Why do you want to date? What’s the goal? If the goal is to make sure you’re still good at it, that’s sort of a waste of time, especially at 27. Your goal doesn’t have to be marriage — but it should be developing a real connection to another human being. If you can redefine a successful dating experience as the ability to truly connect with another person you like, you may begin to want more than three dates. You’ll want four or five. And your third-date behavior may change. You’ll show more of yourself. You’ll try harder to see if that person can like you for who you really are. You probably won’t implode thinking about what’s next.
I think the goal – or lack thereof – is the big problem here. You know you’re social and attractive enough to get dates, so it’s no longer about that. You need to figure out what it is about. Marriage? Having a person to take to parties? Sex? Perhaps you only want first and second dates right now. If so, that’s OK.
But if you can Etch A Sketch your brain and start from scratch, you may find that you want more than first dates. You may admit to yourself that you want something — or someone — you can call late at night and maybe watch television with. If that’s the case and you can be honest with yourself about it, your dating game may change on its own.
I hope that makes sense. It just seems to me that dating is a means to an end. And I’m not so sure that you have any idea what you want your end to be. Figure it out.
Readers? What’s going on here? How can he stop serial dating? Why is he dating to begin with? Share here.

– Meredith

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