Bill Simmons gives Deflategate the trial it never had with Judge Joe Brown
The Sports Guy goes to bat for Tom Brady in a new clip from his HBO show.
With Tom Brady choosing to stop fighting his four-game suspension earlier this month, the dreams of Patriots fans hoping to see the quarterback vindicated in a courtroom were dashed. To compensate, Bill Simmons decided to stage his own Deflategate trial on the latest episode of Any Given Wednesday, with Simmons representing Brady and actor/comedian/unabashed Giants fan Michael Rapaport representing the NFL in front of longtime television courtroom host Judge Joe Brown.
Simmons mostly plays the role of an aggrieved Patriots fan in the clip, while Rapaport serves as a comic foil, lashing out at both Brady and Boston fans rather than actually attempting to defend the NFL’s position. Among his more inflammatory insults:
— “Mr. Simmons keeps referring to Tom Brady as classy. What kind of a grown man shows up to a press conference wearing a [expletive] pom-pom hat, your honor? Is that classy?”
— “At one point, Tom Brady met with McNally and Jastremski in person on a dock somewhere in South Boston. It looked like a scene out of The Sopranos, your honor, that’s all I’m saying.”
— “Boston is filled with many, many legions of Tom Brady fans, who also happen to be angry white people with no lips.”
When Judge Brown calls for final arguments, Simmons says what many Patriots fans have been thinking (and Ben Affleck has been saying) for over a year.
“Your honor, this was a smear campaign from day one,” Simmons says. “Why are you trying to embarrass one of the best players that you’ve ever had in the last 50 years, unless you’re trying to push people off the scent of other problems with your league. Concussions, CTE, the Ray Rice incident, the problem of Goodell as a commissioner in general.”
“It sure seemed like Deflategate pushed a lot of that stuff off the docket, and just got people talking about Tom Brady and Deflategate and broken phones and all this stuff,” Simmons continues. “I think this was a conspiracy from start to finish, I do not believe the league, and I think they should let Tom Brady play.”
In reply, Rapaport channels his inner Johnny Cochran with a rhyming final argument.
“If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime,” Rapaport says. “He did the crime, he’s wasted our time. If you don’t care, why you [expletive] with the air?”
Because this is Simmons’s show, Judge Brown ultimately finds in Brady’s favor, and forces Rapaport to read a pre-written letter apologizing to the quarterback and calling his hometown New York “inferior to Boston,” among other amusing putdowns related to the quality of New York pizza and Derek Jeter.
Check out the hilarious video in full below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9lRuOgjNPw
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