Plenty of Wisdom to be Found in the Red Sox Offseason Song

It seems as if I spend huge chunk of time these days answering the question, “So, what do you think of the Red Sox moves this offseason?”

Sometimes I think I’m asked because I write for Boston.com and Peter Gammons and then I realize that everybody is asking simply because, at least right now, the answer for all of us is, “I dunno.”

What I tend to do is bring up a No. 1 song from 1966 entitled “96 Tears.” I do this not just because I enjoy the look of befuddlement on people’s faces (which I do indeed enjoy) but because I think this song is representative of the Sox offseason.

The song was artfully explained by Legs McNeil on Vice.com (where you can hear the song) who wrote: The piercing organ riff, bare-bones vocal track, and low-fidelity production make it a safe candidate for first punk rock song ever.

It begins with the lyrics that perfectly seem to describe Red Sox Nation’s reaction to losing Jon Lester to the Cubs:

Too many teardrops
For one heart to be crying
Too many teardrops
For one heart to carry on

You see, I’ve found as I speak to fans that unlike other players who have changed uniforms, Lester managed to escape Boston without being vilified. No one is begrudging this fan favorite for receiving a huge contract, he just seems to be cashing in when the time is right and receiving a sum that fans just don’t have trouble with. In fact, fans universally resent the Sox management for the hubris they showed by offering Lester a contract tantamount to 45% what he ended up receiving, give or take a $30 million.

But the lyrics are just part of what makes this the song of the Sox offseason. The key lies in the name of the group that sang this odd little song: it was recorded by Question Mark & the Mysterians. It’s true. If you don’t believe me look it up.

I don’t think there can be a better way to describe the Red Sox starting pitchers for 2015.

I can just hear on Opening Day the Sox starting staff of Clay Buchholz, Rick Porcello, Wade Miley, Joe Kelly and Justin Masterson, simply being called: “Question Mark & the Mysterians,” because each of these pitchers have dubious records, and they could be all stars or all duds.

Allow me:
• Clay Buchholz – There were 88 pitchers who qualified for the ERA title last season and with a 5.34 ERA, Buchholz ranked 88th.
• Rick Porcello – I love that Porcello’s ERA has gone down each season since 2010 when it was 4.92, followed in 2011 by 4.75, 2012: 4.59, 2013: 4.32, and last season: 3.43. I hate that he has never had a season in which he has not allowed more hits than innings pitched. He will be a free agent in 2016 and could put on a Lester-like performance (and be traded in July?).
• Wade Miley – Wade Miley has seen his ERA rise each season since 2012 when it was 3.33. In 2013, it was 3.55 and last season it was 4.34. Miley is an innings eater. Since the 2012 All-Star Game, Miley has pitched 498 innings. The problem is that his 3.89 ERA ties him for 63rd among all pitchers with at least 50 starts. Oh yeah, 63rd tied him with Buchholz.
• Joe Kelly – I’m still trying figure out who was the throw-in in the John Lackey deal, Kelly or Allen Craig. How does a pitcher like Kelly so quickly fall into disfavor? In a season in which pitching dominated, Kelly’s numbers of 4.20 ERA and 1.349 WHIP were abysmal.
• Justin Masterson – Speaking of abysmal, of the 104 pitchers who made at least 25 starts in 2014, Masterson’s ERA of 5.88 was the worst of every pitcher not named Edwin Jackson. His WHIP of 1.632 was the worst of every pitcher not named Edwin Jackson. The Sox need to hope that Justin Masterson is no Edwin Jackson.

Recently GM Ben Cherington looked at his team and answered a question by saying, “Once Opening Day is gone, the whole No. 1 starter thing is kind of overrated.”

Maybe Ben is bluffing or maybe he actually believes that baseball is like poker and four threes can beat an ace.

All I know is that on Monday, April 6, 2015, on Opening Day in Citizens Bank Park, Philadelphia, I would feel a helluva lot happier seeing Cole Hamels pitching for the visiting Sox than the Phillies, and I don’t care if he’s facing the home team’s Mookie Betts, Blake Swihart, or Xander Bogaerts. You see, if Question Mark and the Mysterians don’t come through on the mound, next season the Sox brass will be warbling “The Redemption Song.”