‘The Bachelor’ Recap Episode 4: Two Virgins, One Chris
We may have lost delightful guest host Jimmy Kimmel this week, but Chris Harrison is back in fine form. He explains to the ladies that this week will be a little different—Farmer Chris’s sisters are in town, and they will be selecting the only girl to get a one-on-one date this week. Game faces on.
The group date
Seven ladies are invited along for the first group date: Kaitlyn, Kelsey, Juelia, Mackenzie, Megan, Samantha, Ashley I., and Ashley S. The outing starts innocently enough: The group heads to local Lake Piru for some fun in the sun. Then Ashley I.—eager to “break free of her shyness’’—decides that her tiny bikini top is just too restrictive. She liberates herself from it, tossing it in the water and following closely behind. Not one to give up the spotlight, Kaitlyn decides to join Ashley in partial nudity, but ditches her bottoms instead. The producers gladly lend her Jillian’s black censor bar for the occasion. “Whatever it takes’’ is clearly today’s motto.
Chris may be enjoying the view but some of the other girls are not. Namely, Kelsey. Up until now, we had assumed Kelsey was the nice one because she had short hair and didn’t talk a lot. This is the danger of stereotyping, people. Turns out Kelsey is kind of a judgmental brat. “This is a date made for bimbos,’’ she hisses to the camera. And she isn’t happy with this “dingy hell hole’’ of a lake either.
Things only get worse for Princess Kelsey. Chris announces that the fun outdoor day trip is turning into a fun outdoor sleepover party. The girls cheer and scramble to set up tents. Except Kelsey, of course, who is busy whining that she wishes she wasn’t here. Our feelings exactly, girl.
Unlike Kelsey, Ashley S. seems very much at home in the wilderness. After being disappointingly normal in Episode 3, Ashley S. and her special brand of crazy are back with a vengeance. She pulls Chris aside, stares deeply into his eyes, and asks him that all-important second date question: “What are you?’’ Chris tries to stutter something back while motioning for help from the camera crew. Ashley then professes her love for Chris and plants an unreciprocated kiss on him before he can make his escape. “Okay I’ll let you go,’’ she finally concedes. But her scarily wide eyes say, “But I’ll never really let you go.’’ Chris, please sleep with one eye open tonight.
Despite the many strong contenders, it’s Kaitlyn and her bare backside who wins the group date rose, much to the frustration of Ashley I. The girl has already taken off her top: What more can she offer Chris? She sneaks into his tent to play the one card she has left: the v-card. Of course, just telling Chris she’s a virgin would be way too easy. Instead, she equivocates, dropping the following clues on a clueless Chris: 1) she’s never had a real boyfriend; 2) she’s “freaking innocent’’; and 3) is “inexperienced in every way possible.’’ Chris to camera: “I have no idea what she’s saying right now.’’ If the message wasn’t already confusing enough, Ashley then proceeds to straddle him, and devour his face. Freaking innocent, you say?
The one-on-one date
While the group camping date is ongoing, the remaining ladies have some visitors at the mansion. Chris’s three older and wiser sisters have arrived to commence the interrogations and make their choice. They settle on quiet sexpot Jade, whose prize is the chance to be Cinderella for the night at a royal ball. She gets the full Pretty Woman treatment, courtesy of a team of fairy godmothers, some serious bling, and a pair of glass Louboutins.
All dolled up, Chris and Jade enjoy dinner together, bonding over the fact that they’ve both been engaged before. Things are going so well that it’s only a formality for Chris to present Jade with the rose. They finish the evening waltzing to the music of a live orchestra until the clock strikes midnight, and Cinderella must literally run home. Chris is enamored of the “girl next door,’’ and wonders if there may be a happy ending in store for them.
Jade may be the shy sweetheart, hand-picked by Chris’s sisters, but she’s already been outed by the media for doing nude photos for Playboy’s amateur site. If Jade sticks around longer, we wonder first if she’ll tell Chris, and second, how the good boy farmer, and his family, will react.
The second group date
For the second group date, Becca, Britt, Carly, Jillian, Nikki, and Whitney are all invited to “get dirty.’’ In their continued quest to humiliate the ladies, the Bachelor producers have them suit up in wedding dresses, only to send them through a muddy obstacle course. At least it’s for a good cause—the race raises money for multiple sclerosis research.
The challenge is tailor-made for bodybuilder Jillian, who easily destroys her competition before devouring their carcasses as an afternoon snack. Jillian’s prize is private time with Chris. Too bad her conversational skills aren’t quite as honed as her leg muscles. Just a sample of what Jillian considers a good first-date question: Would Chris rather abstain from sex for five years or have sex with a homeless person (“bird in her hair, whole nine’’)? Chris can’t follow Jillian’s incoherent monologue, so his mind wanders to a happy place, where he envisions “unicorns and dancing fairies’’ until a polite amount of time has passed. He then tells Jillian that the romantic connection just isn’t there, and it’s time for her to go. It’s taken five episodes, but Chris has finally realized that to get down to one girl, he actually has to reject people. Progress.
The cocktail party and rose ceremony
Worried she wasn’t abundantly clear earlier, Ashley I. accosts Chris at the cocktail party, and spells out her “secret’’ for him. Chris, to his credit, tries not to look too surprised, and tells Ashley he respects her. Great, that’s finally done. Oh wait, except now Ashley is upset, because Chris didn’t kiss her after her confession. She’s now worried that he respects her too much. As she wails about her dilemma to the other girls, Becca pipes up that she’s a virgin too, no big deal. Take note, Ashely I., this is how it’s done.
Meanwhile, Britt is pretty jealous of some things she heard about the camping date. She pulls Chris aside and gently accuses him of validating bad (read: naked) behavior from the other girls. This hurts Chris’s feelings. He throws a mild tantrum and announces to the rest of the house that if anyone thinks he’s here for the wrong reasons, they can leave right now. That’ll teach you to question any of Chris’s decisions in the future, Britt.
Chris gives roses to Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashley I., and, finally, Britt. Even though she made him cranky, she’s still so pretty. This means the end of the road for Juelia, Nikki, and Ashley S., whose entertainment value could only keep her with us so long.
Power rankings
We continue to see some shuffling in the power rankings, which means it’s still anyone’s game.
1. Kaitlyn: Kaitlyn nabs another group date rose, and even has Chris defending her honor to Britt. We remain impressed.
2. Jade: Jade has the three sisters’ stamp of approval, and the look on Chris’s face when she appeared in that ballgown speaks volumes. If only she didn’t have a secret that seems bound to derail her progress.
3. Becca: Previously unknown Becca nabs a spot for being chill about her virgin status rather than letting it define her whole existence. Compared to the debacle that is Ashley I., we think this will go down well with our super laidback Bachelor.
4. Whitney: Whitney was less present this episode, but she can afford to rest on her stellar date from last week. We have a feeling her high-pitched giggle is still rattling around Chris’s mind.
5. Britt: Britt, the self-proclaimed front-runner, still hasn’t gotten a group date rose or a one-on-one with the Bachelor. Oh Britt, did you peak too early? Can your hugs still save you?
Next Monday, the group heads to Santa Fe and brings all of the drama with them. The Bachelor is back at 8 p.m. on February 2.
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