Jobs

How do I deal with answering intrusive questions at work about my personal life when I’m going through a challenging time?

Elaine Varelas provides strategies on handling personal questions at work, particularly when you are going through a challenging time.

Boston.com

February 28, 2024

3 minutes to read

Q. I’ve had a lot of personal issues lately and don’t want to share them with colleagues at work. I am estranged from family members and am also separated from my husband. How do I handle questions about my family and personal life when they come up without sounding rude?

A. Everybody has something. None of us are unscathed when it comes to personal issues, problem family members, family drama, or complex relationship issues that we’d rather not discuss with our work colleagues. First off, recognizing that puts you in a position to not ask intrusive questions of others. And secondly (and hopefully), not to feel as uncomfortable as you might feel when being asked about your personal life.

Most people like to talk about themselves and if you find yourself in the position of being asked an invasive question, you can come up with a short answer like, “No, but tell me a little bit about your family situation,” or “Yes, and where did you grow up?” You can easily flip the conversation with a quick question and a diversion that turns the questioner into the storyteller. This is the most effective way to divert these probing questions and issues without causing you to be rude or causing the other person to be much more interested in your story than they need to be. You could also redirect the conversation by talking about something work-related. “Can we talk about that some other time – right now I need to focus on… or need your thoughts on…” can redirect even the most persistent questioner.

Develop a list in writing of responses that you’re comfortable with and answers that are very vague. For example, you might answer by saying that your personal life is complicated now and that you’d prefer not to discuss it. Or answer thanking them for your concern, but that you’d rather not discuss your personal life at work. Putting these in writing and having them ready will help you to not feel ambushed by people who think developing relationships occur like a series of interview questions. Protect yourself from that. Don’t feel caught off guard because you may react in a way you wish you hadn’t, especially if you have a tendency to get emotional or angry. Having these pre-prepared responses will help you deal with the situation in a way that makes you feel comfortable.

You are under no obligation to share any personal information with anyone at work, any colleagues, or even your manager, unless you feel that your personal issues are affecting your work life. If that’s the case, you can say something as simple as, “I’m going through some issues with my family right now. I don’t want to get into it, but I just want you to be aware that if I’m not on my game, I will be soon, and I’d appreciate your support.” However, if your personal issues at home cause you to miss work or negatively impact your job performance, it might be a good idea to reach out to HR to let them know that you are dealing with some issues at home that you are working through and that you might appear distracted (and then again you might not, so don’t apologize too soon. You can add that you anticipate a return to high performance soon. If they have any concerns, remind them to approach you first, not your manager.

You might share with your colleagues how much you value work/life balance. As the saying goes, work is work, home is home. Remember, it is up to you to decide how much personal information you want to share at work, and you have the right to privacy in your personal life.