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I recently suffered the loss of my mother. I was both surprised and disappointed that my managers didn’t let my teammates know.

Elaine Varelas guides on best practices when an employee suffers the loss of a close family member.

Q:  My Mother recently passed away, but the leadership at my company didn’t share it with anyone. I told two close work friends, but in a way, I wish they had shared the news with my entire team (all remote) so that they are aware that I might not be myself for a while.
 
A: I’m sorry for your loss. The loss of an immediate family member is very significant, and I hope that your two close work friends were supportive.  One of the other ways they might have been supportive was to ask you if it was okay if they shared the information with other colleagues. Some people are very private and don’t want personal information shared with people that they work with and often asking permission is the right way to approach being given personal information. Often people err on the side of sharing positive news with everyone, for example, the birth of a child, an engagement or wedding, etc. While that is wonderful, more emotional support and understanding is often needed with more difficult and sad news.
 
You may have informed HR as you took bereavement leave, but they are also tied to confidentiality.  A conversation with you manager is the place to discuss the personal loss, the time off, and how you would want the information shared or not shared. Many organizations are very supportive in situations like this. After the death of a close family member, they may send flowers to you or the funeral home, send a sympathy cared to you, they may follow the suggestions in the obituary to make a donation in your mother’s name for her favorite charity, and you may find that senior management will reach out to you offer their condolences and offer some type of support to you. But this can only happen if they know. With privacy laws invading all areas of business not just health care, your company may have been extra cautious.  If your mother had been ill and you did not share that, people might have been taking cues from you that you may not have even been aware you were giving.
 
For this situation, the death of a family member, there is no one right approach because people have such a broad reaction to what’s private and what’s not in the workplace. It’s not too late to approach your two friends and let them know that you feel uncomfortable sharing with everyone on your team that your Mother has passed away. You could let them know that it would be helpful to you if they wouldn’t mind letting colleagues know about your loss and that you may not be yourself for a while.
 
When HR has permission to share, they may send a company-wide email offering their condolences and letting everyone know that flowers were sent on behalf of the company or that a donation was made. They will likely check in on you multiple times, to see how you are doing. They might also encourage you to take advantage of the organization’s Employee Assistance Program. SHRM has a wonderful article, How to Support Employees through Grief and Loss that includes the importance of giving employees time off, giving financial and emotional support, and what to say (and what not to say) to a grieving employee. When an employee suffers the loss of a close family member, it’s important to show compassion and empathy during their time of grief and mourning and while three days off is standard, they will not be back to “normal” for a much longer period of time. Boston.com

By Elaine Varelas

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