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Personal questions by a supervisor?
If your supervisor asks if you are having a baby, what to do
Q: I have a problem at my machine shop. I have a supervisor who gets into my business. It happens to others too. He is nosy. He asks about a lot of family, personal and private topics. He will ask if my wife and I are trying to get pregnant, what car we are planning to buy if we have a kid, if my wife plans to get a job, how my health is (after a doctor’s appointment), if I have mental health issues in my family, and will also talk about a lot of his personal crap. I am not interested in his life, other the normal topics talked about at work. I don’t want to hear about his feuds with his in-laws, how his wife has every disease in a medical book, or how his kids have mental health issues. Sometimes I feel bad, because I wonder how many friends he has. I don’t want to get him angry but he has a temper and I have seen him tantrum in the past. What should I do? I need this job.
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A: This is a lot! Sometimes people, including managers, are confused about boundaries. What is reasonable and appropriate vs. what is overstepping his boundaries. He may be well-meaning but it sounds like he is intrusive. Health and family planning issues are your personal business, but not his business. Asking about a car purchase is closer to reasonable, except when he throws in the part about you possibly adding a child to your family. While you didn’t specifically share a particular question, I envision many of these questions to be not only invasive, but also potentially illegal. Your manager should not be asking about your private health information, or your plans to have a family.
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Some employees may try to use humor, which is often my personal tactic. “Bob, not sure if you should be asking that. But, I plan to have 15 children and drive a school bus so that each has a seat!” The danger with this type of response, is that you may lead him to thinking that this is all a light-hearted joke. However, some may feel comfortable with this approach as a first step.
Another option would be to state “Bob, not sure if my wife would be ok with me sharing a lot. We are both pretty private people. We are looking to buy a new car though. We are looking at small SUVs. Do you have a suggestion?” Responding in this way lets him know where your boundary is, without (hopefully) insulting him.
Some might also reply with “Bob, we should talk about your favorite restaurant, how my new puppy is doing or how your vacation to Italy was. Any tips on how to train a new puppy?” Using this approach, you respond, but you also pivot to a new topic. This response is also a suggested approach I use when a hiring manager asks an inappropriate question. As an example if a hiring manager asks if you plan to have children, you can ask a variation of the school bus response mentioned earlier.
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Ideally, it would be helpful if you enlist a few co-workers to respond to Bob in a similar way. If Bob hears a similar message from several employees, he may begin to get the message. If you are the only one, he may perceive you as a complainer. If there is a consistent reply back to Bob, then he may be more reluctant to ask these types of questions. These topics may have also been acceptable years ago, or maybe they were ok in another company. Norms are different at every company, and sometimes even between shifts or departments.
I am also worried about the use of the word “tantrum.” I am not sure what that means exactly but this could be behavior that is also over the line.
Some people never get it and will keep prying. If needed, you may want to contact your HR Representative. There is “safety in numbers.” If others have been the target of Bob’s in appropriate questions, he would be less able to identify you. Hopefully “Bob” will get it and change his behavior.
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