Feeling Minnesota

Thanks, Minnesota. Let us know when we can take Johan off your hands as well.

With yesterday’s Kevin Garnett deal being finalized, every one of the four major pro teams in town can now offer up some sort of gratitude for your benevolence. As if ignoring David Ortiz all those years wasn’t enough, you’ve really outdone yourself in 2007.

Randy Moss, Manny Fernandez, and now Garnett. We were actually somewhat shocked yesterday when Theo Epstein pulled the trigger on Eric Gagne and not Joe Nathan.

Don’t worry. Odds are that we’ll get to him in due time as well. Maybe in the next couple of years we’ll also take Adrian Peterson, Johan Santana, and Pavol Demitra off your hands too. We gave you Brian Rolston, Bethel Johnson, Mark Blount, and Lew Ford. The least we can do beyond that is offer up a big, hearty thank you.
“The Garnett deal solidifies our state’s status as a farm club for Boston,” admits Jim Souhan of the Minnesota Star-Tribune. “We’ve given New England Randy Moss, Manny Fernandez, David Ortiz, and Garnett, and what have we gotten in return? ‘Lump of Coal’ Lew, the former Red Sox farmhand, and the role players who helped the Celtics to dozens of victories last year.”
Yes. Have fun with that, eh?
Truly, your generosity has already helped us attain one world championship. Ortiz’s presence was one of the biggest forces behind Boston’s title run in 2004. How many more will there be? Moss (yes, we know he technically came from Oakland) is just a piece on a ridiculously stacked Patriots team that will be a disappointment if it doesn’t win the Super Bowl. Garnett’s addition might make the Celtics the best team in the Eastern Conference. We’ve even got Minnesota alum Laurence Maroney. It just doesn’t end.
John Gustafson must be rolling around in his grave. Not that you were Titletown USA over the years for anything beyond the 1987 and ’91 Twins, but these recent turn of events, even for a small market like yourself, really have to make you wonder. You had to watch your hockey team win the Stanley Cup in Texas — TEXAS — of all places. Now you’ll be forced to watch your former sporting icons in New England, where we’re apparently going for every big name on the sports landscape. I can only imagine the party they’re having in the Reebok Canton offices today.
As if all this weren’t enough, now you’ve got to deal with an unhappy Santana, who hinted that this week’s Luis Castillo deal might be the force that ultimately pushes him out the door.
“You always talk about future, future. … But if you only worry about the future, then I guess a lot of us won’t be part of it,” Santana said. “Why waste time when you’re talking about something that’s always going to be like that? It’s never going to be beyond this point. It doesn’t make any sense for me to be here, you know?”
As if to put the exclamation point on yesterday, Ortiz — that guy that Tom Kelly didn’t like, remember — hit two home runs. Your Twins have some hefty hurdles in the Central in the Tigers and Indians. The prospects for the Vikings don’t exactly look all that great, but you’ll get to enjoy all the working pieces of a basketball team that came thisclose to the worst record in the league.
“You wonder what makes owner Glen Taylor and VP Kevin McHale believe they can win here with the nucleus that makes up the Wolves now,” writes the Star Tribune’s Sid Hartman. “The five players acquired from Boston on Tuesday join a team made up of [Ricky] Davis, [Mark] Blount, Randy Foye, Marko Jaric, Trenton Hassell, Juwan Howard, Mark Madsen, Rashad McCants, Craig Smith, and rookies Corey Brewer and Chris Richard.”
Kevin McHale, ladies and gentlemen.
It’s been a rough stretch recently for Minnesota sports. You had the most exciting pitcher on the planet a year ago in Francisco Liriano, only to lose him for the season. Kirby Puckett passed away. Lake Minnetonka became a household name, courtesy of Fred Smoot and company. Jack Morris still didn’t make the Hall of Fame (How many Game 7s did Tony Gwynn win single-handedly?). Next thing you know we’ll discover that F. Scott Fitzgerald plagiarized “Gatsby,” Target is employing overseas sweatshops, and Caribou Coffee shops will be overtaken in a joint effort from Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts.
It’s been 16 years since your part in what is still the greatest World Series ever played, and you haven’t had much of a sniff beyond the Wolves’ Western Conference finals appearance a few years back. In that time, New Englanders have celebrated four titles (well, five if you count Mayor Menino’s Ray Bourque rally) and are bracing for more within the next 10 months. That’s thanks in large part to you, Minnesotans, for being so generous in recent months. You have once again delivered us some key components so that our parade route won’t get too bogged down with tumbleweeds.
And please know that in the future there will always be a seat at Fenway whenever Santana pitches. Least we can do.