DOA: Miami

Is the Miami Herald watching the same Dolphins team everybody else is being forced to endure?

The headline in today’s paper reads, “Dolphins’ Culpepper making strides.” If “strides” is code for complete immobility and a sense of looking lost in the pocket, then, yes. Yes, he is.

“There is a shining ray of the old Daunte Culpepper now starting to peek through the storm of sacks and misreads and footballs held too long,” leads Armando Salguero. There is? “The Dolphins’ embattled, often-criticized quarterback is actually playing pretty well lately. The last quarter against the Houston Texans saw Culpepper complete 11 of 16 passes as the Dolphins attempted to salvage the game.”

One quarter against one of the worst teams in the league? That’s it. Get the MVP trophy ready.
It seems like just weeks ago that Sports Illustrated picked the Dolphins to appear in the Super Bowl, despite an offensive line that couldn’t stop a paper bag from penetrating and a quarterback who has seemingly aged faster than that alien kid on “V.” Miami comes into New England this weekend with a disappointing 1-3 record, and with a loss to the Patriots, can start planning for next season because there will be little chance at a playoff spot in 2006.
Jason Taylor is at the center of controversy, and not because this story leads with, “Naked boys with runny noses ran around the backyard of Jason Taylor’s Davie, Fla., home on Monday evening as the Dolphins’ Pro Bowl defensive end dressed for a night on the town.” (They’re HIS kids, calm down).
After losing in Houston last weekend, Taylor said, “I’m going to tell you like this. Some people might not believe what I’m about to say. Some might not agree, some might agree. And quite frankly, I really don’t care what they think. We are not a very good football team. You could take that, print it. Bold print. We’re not a very good football team. Whatever people want to say is the worst team in the league, that’s us. That’s how we’re playing.”
He’s not lying. Jim Mora could have a field day with this team if he really wanted to let loose on the NFL Network because the Dolphins are indeed doing diddly-poo on offense. The Fins are averaging just 12.8 points per game, better than only Tampa, Oakland, and Tennessee. Ronnie Brown has been an effective tool out of the backfield as a target for Culpepper, but he’d have an easier time squeezing a Hummer through a Back Bay alley than amassing more than a few yards per carry with the line he runs behind.
The whole Miami script so far is like a bad dream fans just want to wake up from. The stadium is falling apart. The Bills AND Jets are more realistic options of making the playoffs. Wayne Huizenga’s son was sent to jail for a DUI incident. Drew Brees, the other guy the team wanted to play quarterback, is 3-1 with the Saints.
Super Bowl? These jokers? Please.
While serving a suspension for violating the league’s policy on performance-enhancing drugs, Dolphins running back Sammy Morris, apparently one never to induce hyperbole, explained what it was like for a period during which he wasn’t allowed anywhere near Dolphins headquarters.
“It was like having leprosy,” he said.
Yeah, that’s a fair comparison. Break the rules. Compare it to leprosy. Lovely.
These are your Miami Dolphins. Anyone who hasn’t used the Patriots yet in their eliminator pool is using that benefit this weekend. The Dolphins may pose a threat defensively, but overall they are a terrible football team. Unless Doug Flutie drop kicks anymore footballs to help the Dolphins finish above .500, the Patriots will roll over Miami.
Maybe if the Dolphins score a touchdown though, they’ll be seen as “making strides.”