Fantasy league

Hey kids. Welcome to the wonderful, wacky, non-sanctioned world of Major League Baseball.

Commit assault? Take illegal steroids? Not to worry. Someone’s got your back.

In a land as dirty as that of pro sports, what is happening right now with the national pastime is muddier than any situation Major League Baseball has had to deal with since the strike denied citizens of French Canada their rightful championship.

First we’ll deal with Kenny Rogers, the Texas Rangers pitcher who was suspended 20 games by commissioner Bud Selig for attacking a cameraman in Arlington. Yesterday, independent arbitrator Shyam Das ruled that Selig had overstepped his boundary in the suspension, and that Rogers would be immediately reinstated. That, luckily enough, means he will start tonight in Boston against the Red Sox.

Rogers missed two starts with the suspension. Two. Players across the country are staking out despised writers and TV personalities as we speak, now that they know the meager penalty involved. Hate to see what Nomar might do.

Let’s be clear here, Major League Baseball isn’t to blame for the Rogers situation, as Selig was trying to do his best in sending a clear message: Major League Baseball won’t tolerate assault. How bold. Down the line, we also hear murder might be on the docket.

Welcome Das (diggity?) and the Donald Fehr Empire to the party though, and how things change. Das reasoned that Selig would be a terrible contestant on “The Price is Right” based on the suspension he doled out to Rogers. And unfortunately, he is right.

For how can a guy who goes after a cameraman (and to be fair to Rogers, it was a Fox cameraman) get 20 games, while one who cheats and puts a major stain on the game only gets 10? Can someone explain this? Diggity Das?

Not that the players association isn’t getting its feet dirty in that one. With Rafael Palmeiro due to come off his suspension tomorrow, there are three major questions to be asked.

1. Will the Orioles welcome him back?
2. Will ESPN’s Jayson Stark keep a Palmeiro poster hanging in his bedroom?
3. Are there more?

Not wanting Palmeiro’s controversy surrounding them, you can understand why the Orioles might not want to welcome him back a la Steve Perry. The team is done anyway, now an amazing 11 games behind the Red Sox. No need to have “Mr. 3,000” along for the ride really. Unless it’s actually Bernie Mac.

I’m sure Fehr and company will make that easy. As it is, the players union may file a grievance against MLB for leaking information about what drug was found in Palmeiro’s system. Seriously. God forbid Fehr actually work toward a solution with the league rather than this ridiculous posturing. Like John McClane would say, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. Now quit being part of the *&%$#^@ problem.”

Maybe that’s a message a good number of baseball writers need to hear too, as many of them sit around and ponder why they’re still going to vote for these cheaters rather than getting off their duffs and digging a little deeper into baseball’s dark side. “Well, the numbers are there,” folks like Stark argue. Sure, a kid who cheats on every test gets an A too, but that doesn’t mean he’s legitimate National Honor Society material.

Oops, I forgot rule No. 1 of Major League Baseball: Rules need not apply.

“Oh, come on,” they whine. “There are already plenty in the Hall who cheated. The spitter. Corked bats. Nail files. The game is built on cheating.”

And people wonder why steroids took so long to get exposed? If some of these folks had their way, it would still be swept under a very crowded rug.

Lucky for them, MLB is doing its part not to make their job any harder by not providing them with any more difficult Hall of Fame decisions, a debate that sounds even sillier by the day based on an issue just beginning to explode. The game’s very livelihood is at stake, not to mention its history and the overall health of its employees, and we’re arguing whether Palmeiro should go to Cooperstown? It all sounds so trite in comparison.

Howard Bryant reports today that there may be a good number more positive tests that have not yet come to light (subscription only). Seeing how the league reportedly delayed Palmeiro’s suspension until after he demolished the Red Sox, the All-Star Game, his 3,000th hit, and Hall of Fame weekend, we might find out about another positive test in 2007. Neat. If this is the case, we can expect another long winter of baseball getting hammered by Congress, which actually might do something about it this time around. Imagine that.

Tonight, the Sean Penn of baseball takes his turn on the Fenway mound, his sentence reduced by a lawyer who would probably demand someone’s job had this happened on a Back Bay street involving a mere waiter.

Tomorrow, an anabolic drug user in Baltimore will get his job back, whereas your average construction worker would be scouring the want ads today after testing positive for something similar.

It’s Major League Baseball. Where the rules are different for all involved. After all, where else can drugs and assault come with so little retribution?