Predicting every game of the Patriots’ 2016 regular season
Here is your glimpse into the future.
COMMENTARY
On Sunday night in Arizona, the Patriots kick off their 17th season under head coach Bill Belichick. It will be the first opener since 2001 with someone other than Tom Brady under center for New England. As you probably heard, Brady is suspended for the first four games of this season because NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is a petty man who abuses professional power to burnish his image. With Brady on the shelf, Jimmy Garoppolo, who was all of nine years old on the day Mo Lewis drilled Drew Bledsoe, will start at quarterback.
This sets the stage for one of the wildest regular seasons in franchise history. If you can’t wait to find out what happens, then this is for you. What follow are not predictions for all 16 Patriots games, but an actual glimpse into the future. Be warned, this may be real and 100 percent accurate.
Week 1: Patriots at Arizona Cardinals
It’s Sunday Night Football, the first game of a new season, but for Patriots cornerback Malcolm Butler it’s a return to the field that changed his life forever.
Walking along the sidelines before the Pats’ first possession, Butler notices Jimmy Garoppolo off by himself, looking nervous. Butler runs over and puts his hand on Jimmy’s shoulder. He looks him straight in the eye and says, “Jimmy, Go!”
This lights a fire under Garoppolo like you’ve never seen. He snaps to attention, slaps on his helmet, sprints onto the field and throws a pick 6 to Cardinals cornerback Patrick Peterson on his first attempt. The Pats’ offense never recovers (thanks largely to three sacks by Chandler Jones) and New England starts the season with an ugly 31-14 loss.
“I want to say this very clearly,” former ESPN analyst Tom Jackson says after the game, sitting by himself in an abandoned garage. “They hate their coach.”
Week 2: Patriots vs. Miami Dolphins
With New England establishing the run early to take some pressure off him, Jimmy Garoppolo rides the home opener vibe into a nice little rhythm. He finishes with 245 passing yards and three touchdowns — one to Edelman and two to Gronk. LeGarrette Blount adds two rushing scores and the Pats run away with it, 38-10.
After the game, a reporter asks Garoppolo if there is anything special he can credit for his breakout day.
“Tell you the truth,” Garoppolo says. “I should thank Tom Brady. I mean, like I said last week, it’s obviously a little smoother with him not here. Of course, it’s smoother. Do you realize how awkward of a situation we’re in? Do you realize how much it literally pains him that he only has so many more years to do the one thing he loves more than anything else, and the NFL stole a quarter of his season? Either way, if you don’t think I’m a better quarterback right now because of the year and change I’ve spent with Tom, you’re literally crazy. Oh, and by the way, I loved the lighthouse. Playing in the shadow of his greatness is what inspires me to be great.”
Reporters are stunned, meanwhile a text comes in on Jimmy’s phone: “Thanks, kid. Never forget how much I hate you.”
Week 3: Patriots vs. Houston Texans
With the Patriots playing their third game in 11 days to start the season, New England fans turn the league’s precious Thursday Night baby into the biggest anti-NFL rally on record. Every fan in attendance is wearing something: “Down with Goodell” shirts and hats proliferate, as do life-like Goodell masks reminiscent of the Ex-Presidents in Point Break. There are at least 15 guys dressed up as Dr. Bennet Omalu.
The NFL and its broadcast partners don’t know how to handle it. Are they not supposed to mention this? Can they not show any crowd shots on television? It’s total chaos and Bill Belichick uses the distraction to throw Texans quarterback Brock Osweiler into a blender. The Pats attack with formations and packages the world has never seen. Malcolm Butler lines up at nose tackle. Dont’a Hightower calls out audibles in fluent Mandarin. Jamie Collins plays an entire quarter with Patrick Chung riding on his shoulders.
The Texans’ offense is paralyzed and the Pats win 13-10 on last-second field goal by Stephen Gostkowski.
Week 4: Patriots vs. Buffalo Bills
New England leads 20-18 with 10 seconds left. Buffalo has the ball on the Patriots’ 37; it’s fourth and a long two. Bills head coach Rex Ryan just used his second timeout, and has a decision to make:
Does he send out Dan Carpenter for a tough but makeable 54-yard game-winner? Does he trust Tyrod Taylor to get a first down, then call his final time out and give Carpenter a chance from say, 47?
Rex is visibly rattled. He doesn’t know what to do. He calls over his twin brother, Rob. He may be the defensive coordinator, but he’s the only one Rex can trust. The only one who gets him. After a quick conversation and a heartfelt hug, the Ryan brothers send out the punt team.
Final Score: New England, 20, Buffalo 18.
Week 5: Patriots at Cleveland Browns
The most anticipated Sunday of the season and Pats fans flock to Cleveland from around the country to welcome their hero back from a four-game suspension. And Rob Ninkovich doesn’t disappoint, picking up four tackles, half a sack and one deflection in a 38-21 win.
Veteran quarterback Tom Brady leads New England with 426 passing yards and five touchdowns.
Week 6: Patriots vs. Cincinnati Bengals
“Carmina Burana” transitions into “Crazy Train” and Tom Brady jogs out of the Gillette Stadium tunnel to an ovation so loud it can be heard from Fenway Park. Over on the Bengals’ sideline, Andy Dalton turns to Marvin Lewis. “Hey, coach. You think it’s possible the people in Cincinnati might love me this much one day?”
Lewis keeps his eyes on the field and shakes his head:
“Not a chance, Andy.”
Final score: Patriots 28, Bengals 17
Week 7: Patriots at Pittsburgh Steelers
Brady is welcomed back to reality with a trip to Pittsburgh, where the Steelers hand New England its first loss since opening night.
Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown is the star on offense, catching 10 balls for 165 yards and two touchdowns on Malcolm Butler.
Pittsburgh head coach Mike Tomlin leads the Steelers’ defense with six tackles.
Week 8: Patriots at Buffalo Bills
It’s late October and the Ryan twins are really into this bit where they claim to be dressing up as each other for Halloween and then insist on doing each other’s press conferences in character.
“Rex, shouldn’t you be focused on the game?” one reporter asks.
“Would love to answer that, pal,” Rex says, unable to control his laughter. “But you’ve got me confused with my twin brother, Rex.”
This goes on the whole week.
The Patriots win 35-3.
Both Ryans are fired the next day.
Week 10: Patriots vs. Seattle Seahawks
The Pats lead 28-24 with time running out, but the Seahawks have the ball on the goal line. They’re just half a yard from victory.
Week 11: Patriots at San Francisco 49ers
San Francisco honors hometown hero Tom Brady with a moment of appreciation before the game, and all the 49ers, even Colin Kaepernick, stand tall to pay their respects.
“Well, of course, he’s going to stand for a white quarterback,” says one really confused guy in the stands.
Patriots win, 24-10.
Week 12: Patriots at New York Jets
The Pats lead 21-17 with less than a minute left, but the Jets are driving. This doesn’t look good for New England. Jets quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick hits wide receiver Eric Decker on the sideline. He then hits wide receiver Brandon Marshall over the middle. Running back Matt Forte breaks a draw up the gut for 17 yards, bringing the Jets to the two-yard line with only five seconds left.
New England’s defense is sucking wind. They’re absolute toast. Meanwhile, Pats fans are coming to grips with the new normal. It actually happened: The New York Jets are once again a legitimate, borderline reputable football team.
One play from victory, Fitzpatrick takes the snap and fakes a hand off to Forte. As they pass each other, the QB’s beard gets tangled in the running back’s chin strap. Fitzpatrick’s facial hair wraps around Forte’s helmet like a vine and now they’re stuck. Marshall runs over to help, but trips and slams helmet first into Fitzpatrick’s groin. Everyone falls down, the clock runs out and the Patriots steal a close one at MetLife Stadium.
Week 13: Patriots vs. Los Angeles Rams
Rams running back Todd Gurley receives a toss from quarterback Jared Goff and immediately finds himself eye to eye in the backfield with Malcolm Brown. With a little juke, Gurley leaves Brown in his dust and then fights off Rob Ninkovich with a stiff arm, spins away from Dont’a Hightower, runs right through Devin McCourty and outsprints Jamie Collins for one of the greatest touchdown runs you’ve ever seen.
This cuts New England’s lead to 35-7 with six minutes left and that’s your final score.
Week 14: Patriots vs. Baltimore Ravens
John Harbaugh: “Hey, what the hell was that!? Ed! Did you see that?”
Ed Hochuli: “What’s the problem, John?”
“What do you mean what’s the problem? It’s Belichick! He’s . . . he’s doing it again!”
“John.”
“He’s cheating, Ed!
“John.”
“I can’t believe I have to explain this to you! Are we even watching the same game?!”
“John, this is pre-game warm-ups. Bill’s not even on the field. Are you OK?”
“I just don’t get it.”
“What don’t you get?”
“How he’s still so good. It doesn’t make sense, Ed. He’s up to something. I know it.”
“John, he’s just smarter than you.”
“What?”
“And not only that but he cares more than you. What makes you think you can understand what he does?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means if you had the capacity to understand Belichick’s success you wouldn’t have missed the playoffs two of the last three years.”
“Jesus, Ed. I don’t think that’s really called f—”
“Is this about your brother, John?”
“Wait, what?”
“These cries for help. Is it a Jim thing?”
“Ed, come on, man. Why are you doing this?”
“It’s not your fault, John.”
“I know.”
“Look at me, John. It’s not your fault.
“No. Don’t eff with me, Ed. Not you.”
Final score: Pats 35, Ravens 24.
Week 15: Patriots at Denver Broncos
The football world is buzzing about the return of Peyton Manning. Coaxed out of retirement by a desperate John Elway, Manning looks considerably more buff than the last time he wore the uniform. He also shares a helmet size with the Broncos’ inflatable mascot. He’s also prone to tantrums, and has quite a bit of backne. Still, what we really sticks out about Peyton is his grit and determination; that he’s still just a good ole boy from the bayou who wanted to grow up and play football like his daddy. And you better believe he’s made daddy proud.
Manning throws for 117 yards and two interceptions in a 12-10 victory and is the unanimous choice for AFC Offensive Player of the Week.
Week 16: Patriots vs. New York Jets
It’s a month later, but everyone’s still talking about the MetLife Meltdown. That crazy play has been viewed in some way shape or form over 200,000,000 times worldwide and Ryan Fitzpatrick is now known universally by his new nickname: “Captain BeardBalls.”
More importantly, the Jets haven’t won a game since. They’re 6-8 and pretty much roll over as Brady throws four more touchdowns — two each to Gronk and Martellus Bennett — and the Pats win, 30-10.
New England improves to 12-3 and clinches home-field advantage throughout the AFC Playoffs.
Week 17: Patriots at Miami Dolphins
The Pats have nothing to play for, but Tom Brady refuses to sit. Despite an entire week of screaming and second guessing from fans and media, Brady plays all four quarters in a 27-13 win.
“Listen, guys. This isn’t rocket science,” Brady says when asked after the game about his insistence to stay on the field. “You already know that there’s only one thing in the world I care about more than winning another a Super Bowl — and that’s impeding Jimmy Garoppolo’s development as a football player.”
And it’s on to the postseason.
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