Barkevious Mingo, Mosi Tatupu, and the rest of coolest names in Patriots history
There's Beer, and Bruschi, and Sam Adams, too.
COMMENTARY
With the acquisition of Barkevious Mingo last week, the Patriots added a talented, underachieving linebacker/end of some promise and mystery. Fascinating football move, especially given the rumors that Bill Belichick has long coveted him.
But that’s not the end of it, and it’s sure not what this exercise is about. The Patriots also happened to acquire the man who might just have the best name in the history of names. And that’s what’s really important.
Mingo probably has the coolest name of any Patriot ever. But he has some real competition.
For the hell of it – and mostly because I’ll burst into tears if I have to hear one more hot take on Tom Brady’s relationship with Jimmy Garoppolo, decision to play Thursday night, or haircut – I figured I’d do something that won’t drive me further insane.
That’s how I ended up putting together this goofy starting lineup of the best names in Patriots history.
Three rules:
- The player has to be listed on the Patriots’ all-time roster, which includes a few players who never saw action in a regular-season game.
- He could not have changed last name from Johnson to Ochocinco just to make the lame first name Chad seem cooler.
- He had to have had an awesome name, period.
My kids – ages 10 and 12 — assisted in picking the roster, so you are warned that this does not hit the pinnacles of maturity.
Or maybe that means it’s more mature that the usual efforts around here.
Anyway, take it away, Dick Shiner …
Quarterback: Dick Shiner (1973-74)
Toughest cuts: Rohan Davey (2002-04), Tom Flick (1982), Babe Parilli (1961-67), Lee Saltz (1992)
Almost included Drew Bledsoe, but then I remembered Chris Berman once made a Drew-bled-so-much-he-needed-a-tourniquet joke in a commercial, and I decided against it. Plus, that kind of describes how Tom Brady got the job.
Running back: Horace Ivory (1977-81)
Toughest cuts: Marion Butts (1994), Mike Cloud (2003, ’05), Vagas Ferguson (1980-82), BenJarvus Green-Ellis (2008-11), Mack Herron (1973-75), Gerhardt Schewedes (1960-61), Danny Woodhead (2010-12)
I like Marion Butts and I cannot lie. But Ivory, an electric runner and kick-returner before knee injuries got him, was my dude when I first became a Pats fan. And Vagas Ferguson was the runner-up, so to speak. The world needs more Vagases.
Fullback: Sam Gash (1992-97)
Toughest cut: Lousaka Polite (2011)
I can’t imagine a more fitting name for a fullback than Sam Gash, though if some Rutgers kid comes along named P’Ancake Blocker we’d have to give him consideration.
Wide receiver: Hart Lee Dykes (1989-90), Stephen Starring (1983-87)
Toughest cuts: Marlin Briscoe (1976), Bam Childress (2005-06), Shockmain Davis (2000), Irving Fryar (1984-92), Dietrick Jells (1996-97), Gayle Knief (1970), Dane Looker (2000), TJ Moe (2013), Carlos Pennywell (1978-81), Vic Purvis (1966-67), Wes Welker (2007-12).
Important: Knief’s name tries to auto-correct to knife. I wonder if that’s not a player at all and really Fryar’s wife in disguise.
Tight end: Tom Beer (1970-72)
Toughest cuts: Asante Cleveland (2015), Alge Crumpler (2010), Zeron Flemister (2004), Michael Hoomanawanui (2012-15), Zeke Mowatt (1990), Andre President (1995), Lovett Purnell (1996-98), Visanthe Shiancoe (2012).
What a depth chart! Lovett Purnell might be the ninth-best name here, and it’s still a great one. But when it doubt, always go with the guy named Beer.
Tackle: Zefross Moss (1997-99), LaAdrian Waddle (2015)
Toughest cuts: Max Lane (1994-2000), Sebastian Vollmer (2009–), Quinn Ojinnaka (2010).
Ojinnaka is now a professional wrestler who answers to Moose. See, we have occasional facts here.
Guards: Sam Adams (1972-80), Halvor Hagen (1971-72).
Toughest cuts: Gary Bugenhagen (1969-70), Shaq Mason (2015-), Billy Neighbors (1962-65), Garry Puetz (1978-81), Lennie St. Jean (1964-73)
Sam Adams? The name of a beer and a legendary statesman. Decent combo.
Center: Bryan Stork (2015).
Toughest cuts: None.
The Patriots have had a lot of capable centers. (RIP, Dr. Bill Lenkaitis.) Just not a lot of distinctively named ones. Almost had to talk myself into Dave Wohlabaugh.
Defensive tackle: Houston Antwine (1961-71), Leonta Rheams (1998)
Toughest cuts: Tim Goad (1988-94), Rex Mirich (1970), Pio Sagapolutele (1996), Sealver Siliga (2013-15), Vince Wilfork (2004-14)
I can be talked into Wilfork, whose last name is kind of befitting of a person of his refrigerator-box physique.
Defensive end: Tully Banta-Cain (2003-06, 2009-10), Jabaal Sheard (2015-)
Toughest cuts: Trey Flowers (2015-), Ike Lassiter (1970), Garin Veris (1985-91).
Yup, cheated by moving TBC to the end from linebacker – he was a little bit of both. Won’t be tough for Mingo to crack this starting lineup.
Linebacker: Tedy Bruschi (1996-2008), ), Clayton Weishuhn (1982-96), Roman Phifer (2001-04)
Toughest cuts: Nick Buoniconti (1962-68), , Ray Ilg (1967-68), Dont’a Hightower (2012-), Andy Katzenmoyer (1999-2001), Roin Kadziel (1972), Rommie Loudd (1961-62), Wesly Mallard (2005), Jerod Mayo (2008-15), Marty Schottenheimer (1969-70), Junior Seau (2006-2009)
Bruschi? Again: beer guy. Phifer might be the most underrated player – in name and game – of the Belichick era.
Cornerback: Earthwind Moreland (2004), Scooter McGruder (1996-97).
Toughest cuts: J’Rod Cherry (2001-04), Ras-I Dowling (2011-12), Dick Felt (1962-66), Ty Law (1995-2004), Ronnie Lippett (1983-91), Hank Poteat (2004-06), Eugene Profit (1986-88), Kato Serwanga (1998-2000), Aqib Talib (2012-13)
An upset! Little-known Scooter McGruder wins the much-anticipated (it wasn’t anticipated at all, please play along) Duel of the Rhyming Monikers with Aqib Talib. It’s like Villanova over Georgetown, or Douglas over Tyson, or justice over Goodell. Also, probably goes without saying that Mr. Felt would go by Richard nowadays. We’ll say it just in case.
Safety: Harry Colon (1991), Tebucky Jones (1998-2002, ’06).
Toughest cuts: Hakim Akbar (2001), Tim Fox (1976-81), James Ihedigbo (2011), Prentiss McCray (1974-80), Lawyer Milloy (1996-2002).
They had to have called Akbar “The Admiral,’’ right? (You walked right into that joke. You could even say it was a trap. I’ll pack up my action figures and leave now.)
Special teams: Mosi Tatupu (1978-90)
Toughest cuts: Larry Izzo (2001-08), Larry Whigham (1994-2000).
Couple of pretty good Larrys there, but this one is for the Mooses.
Punter: Zoltan Mesko (2010-12)
Toughest cuts: Eddie Hare (1979), Pat Studstill (1972)
No contest here, even if his first name does remind you of an especially stupid Adam Sandler movie.
Kicker: John Smith (1974-83)
Toughest cut: Scott “Missin’” Sisson.
There is no plainer name in the English language than John Smith, which is exactly what makes it exciting, no? Oh, all right – Barkevious Smith would be slightly better.
Patriots quarterbacks through the years
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