Hard to take Patriots’ rebuttal seriously with its ‘deflator’ explanation

What an embarrassment.

I’m sure there are plenty of levels of truth in the New England Patriots’ lengthy, detailed, and widely mocked response to the Wells Report, a 19,000-plus word document aimed at proving that the “conclusions of the Wells Report are, at best, incomplete, incorrect and lack context.” The problem is “The Wells Report in Context” reads like it was penned by an angry message board commentator.

Granted, the Patriots make some valid points in the context rebuttal. They tend to succeed in convincing the reader that the NFL’s “independent” investigation was fraudulent from the beginning. They do their best to completely absolve quarterback Tom Brady of any wrongdoing, and, for better or worse, remain steadfastly adamant in their science experiments, continuing to lean heavily on the ideal gas law in their defense.

The problem is, those valid points are overshadowed by such buffoonery, you half expect to eventually see a meme of Jon Lovitz’ “Yeah…that’s the ticket” the further you scroll down.

The most obvious case in this regard is the team’s excuse about why Jim McNally used the term “the deflator” in text messages to John Jastremski, arguing — presumably with little regard to how asinine the explanation comes off — that it was a term for…get this…losing weight.

Neat. Now we can also finally assume what happened to all the Spygate tapes as well. The dog ate them.

The Report then takes this one word, in this one text, and uses it throughout the Report as a moniker for Mr. McNally. Is this true objectivity? Further, when they sought their additional interview with Mr. McNally, they never candidly said they had overlooked this text and therefore wanted Mr. McNally back for another interview to ask him about it. They never asked Mr. Jastremski about it in his interview. Had they done so, they would have learned from either gentleman one of the ways they used the deflation/deflator term. Mr. Jastremski would sometimes work out and bulk up — he is a slender guy and his goal was to get to 200 pounds. Mr. McNally is a big fellow and had the opposite goal: to lose weight. “Deflate” was a term they used to refer to losing weight. One can specifically see this use of the term in a Nov. 30, 2014 text from Mr. McNally to Mr. Jastremski: “deflate and give somebody that jacket.” (p. 87). This banter, and Mr. McNally’s goal of losing weight, meant Mr. McNally was the “deflator.” There was nothing complicated or sinister about it.

In fairness, the context report goes on to read, “The problems with relying on text messages to derive meaning are well known. They do not convey tone of voice. They are not well-suited for humor or sarcasm.” That’s true, and the Patriots try to convey this by presenting a text exchange that portrays McNally and Jastremski as a tandem with a fourth-grade level education. It must have been difficult to try and figure out which bumbling staff members would be easiest to throw under the bus.

For all the good this document does, it’s hard to take any of it seriously after this stupidity, a farcical attempt to dispute Ted Wells by introducing this stretch of reasoning so daft that it’s mind-boggling the Patriots would choose to put their name on the context report without having it omitted. We’re supposed to take the rest of this thing seriously after they try to sell us this?

What the Patriots were attempting to prove by mixing a jab at our collective intelligence within this document is anyone’s guess. Exactly who oversaw this thing and decided this would be an adequate representation of the facts as the Patriots begin to stage their war against Roger Goodell and the NFL? If the Patriots had only failed to include it, they’ve got The Phantom Menace on their hands, a widely criticized follow-up that would be well-received despite its other flaws. But this, the “Deflator” nonsense, is the context’s Jar-Jar Binks. It forces us to figure out a way how to not disregard the remainder of the document.

Thusly, the “The Wells Report in Context” is presented in such immature fashion that all it’s missing is a nana nana boo-boo somewhere by word 18,454. Utilizing all caps TO STRESS ITS POINT, this is an angry retort and IT WANTS TO LET YOU KNOW. DAMN IT.

The phrasing of this conclusion reflects what a reach it was. Unable to conclude that Mr. Brady had knowledge of, let alone directed, any improper activities, the best the report comes up with is the phrase “generally aware.” As noted above, there is simply no evidentiary basis for this conclusion, let alone for the conclusion that there were any underlying inappropriate activities. The texts that form the heart of this report show two persons with quite uninhibited texting history — and yet NOT A SINGLE TEXT REFERS TO DEFLATING FOOTBALLS TO A LEVEL BELOW REGULATION, TO DEFLATING FOOTBALLS AFTER THE REFEREE’S INSPECTION, OR TO ANY DIRECTIONS FROM MR. BRADY — OR EVEN ANY BELIEF THAT TOM BRADY WOULD PREFER TO USE BELOW REGULATION FOOTBALLS.

For God’s sake. Did Howard Dean write this thing?

The Patriots lawyers have their fingerprints all over this. Unfortunately, these are also the same lawyers who encouraged Brady not to hand over electronic documents pertaining to the case, and discouraged the team from allowing McNally to speak with Wells for a final time. The same lawyers who probably cost the Patriots $1 million, four games from their Hall of Fame quarterback, and a pair of draft picks in the deepest wound of them all. The Patriots said they would cooperate fully with the league’s investigation, only to presumably be blockaded by a firm whose competency has to come into some question at some point. The way the context retort is presented, maybe the Patriots should ultimately re-think their legal counsel.

“The Wells Report in Context” truly is a fascinating takedown of the Wells investigation, a clear sign that the Patriots are not willing to admit guilt anytime soon, which means that Deflategate isn’t riding off into the sunset where news cycles go to die. But what it does well in arguing against the NFL’s speculation, it tears down with adolescent presentation, and a bizarre scenario that’s already in every single late-night TV monologue script for the next week.

If you ever needed a clear sign that the team thinks its fans are stupid, well, this may be it.