Why New England beats Baltimore (non-football edition)

This is the next installment in our continuing series of biased and generally unfair arguments boasting New England’s dominance over the city or region representing the upcoming New England Patriots playoff opponent. In this case, that city is Baltimore, home of the Ravens who will clash with the Pats on Sunday in the AFC Championship game. As we warned last week when we ripped on the city of Houston, this gallery should not be viewed by any Ravens fans, anyone hailing from Baltimore, nor anyone who’s even remotely fond of that city.

Also, we’re going to skip the “Maryland crab vs. New England lobster’’ and other comparative stuff, if you don’t mind. We have another angle in mind that’s just more fun.

Origin of team nickname

You’re going to read the word “creepy’’ a lot in our argument…and for good reason. The Baltimore Ravens are named after the poem “The Raven’’ written by one of the world’s greatest (and creepiest) poets, Edgar Allen Poe, who was actually born in Boston, but spent a major portion of his life in Baltimore. Naming your team after “The Raven’’ is…what’s the word we’re looking for here? Oh yeah…creepy.

Arguably, New England’s creepiest writer is Stephen King, and you don’t see this region naming its teams The Cujos or The Rabid St. Bernards.

John Waters is from Baltimore

Great filmmaker, but uber-creepy.

John Astin is from Baltimore

Theme song — “They’re creepy and they’re kooky, mysterious and spooky…’’

“The Addams Family’’ actor John Astin, who portrayed the patriarch of arguably TV’s creepiest family, is a native son of Baltimore.

David Hasselhoff is from Baltimore

The Hoff talked to a car back in the ‘80s, which was cool, and rode out that decade and entered the next one as the quintessential lifeguard on “Baywatch,’’ which is less cool. In more recent years, Hasselhoff has helped out our “creepy Baltimore’’ argument most notably by appearing in an amateur video seemingly drunk, definitely shirtless, and allegedly trying to eat a cheeseburger. Recently, he appeared in a pretty funny commercial for Cumberland Farms.

Frank Zappa

Awesome musician? Yes. Creepy? Pretty much. From Baltimore? Check.

Ric Ocasek

The longtime lead singer of Boston’s own “The Cars’’ has a unique, haunting (some would say creepy) voice. The same could be said for his overall look. Why is he included here? You guessed it: Born in Baltimore.

Summary

While the city of Baltimore is certainly cooler than Houston, the elevated level of creepiness among its notable natives, as brilliantly outlined here, leaves it well short of New England in pretty much all ways.

Next week, assuming a Patriots victory this Sunday, either Atlanta or San Francisco can expect to hear us “gently rapping, rapping at (their) chamber door.’’