The Mayor’s Skipping Town. What Should We Do While He’s Away?

Mayor Walsh is presented with a framed geneologist report on his family heritage by Rachel Kelly, Founder and CEO of iFest. The Mayor is headed to Ireland and iFest, an Irish festival, is coming to Boston. The Boston Globe

By Roberto Scalese and Doug Saffir

September 19, 2014

4 minutes to read

Mayor Marty Walsh has left the city, flying to Ireland for a 10-day visit. And since the Mayor is pretty much the parent of any community, you know what that means:

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What kind of trouble can Boston get into while the Mayor’s gallivanting around in the old country? Here are a few ideas of the mischief we could manage.

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Reverse Walsh’s decision and re-start happy hour: Any time we get the house – er, city – to ourselves, the inevitable first question that comes to mind once Papa Walsh’s plane leaves the tarmac is: What are we doing about the booze? And the answer is happy hours. Everywhere. So what if “dad’’ keeps trying to put the kibosh on them? He’s gone now. Grab a brew. Don’t cost nothin’.

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Let Steve Wynn into the mayor’s office to touch all of Walsh’s stuff: Walsh and our “Fun Uncle’’ Steve don’t get along that well. Pops – er, Walsh – tries to torpedo Uncle Steve’s plans. Uncle Steve gets his way anyway. It’s a whole mess, but we might have to side with our uncle on this one. He promised that if we get him in that office, he’ll let us gamble!

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Make Boston Common the only designated “smoking’’ area in the state: Look, we’re probably going to get caught anyway, so we might as well make it count. We’ll just tell Papa Walsh that we know the rules about smoking. We didn’t invite the bad kids with the cigarettes. They just showed up, we swear! We were just going to have a couple beers with a small group of friends and before we knew it things go out of hand! That should work. Throw in a few fake tears and we’ll be golden.

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Enact the most stringent residency requirements of all time: As people get older, it’s natural that they drift apart from those they should (or are legally required to) stay close with. Boston city employees, who are legally required to live within in the city, are no exception. But what better time to get the whole gang back together than when we have the place to ourselves? Sure, it may be tight quarters in there, but reunions are supposed to be awkward. Once the booze starts flowing, it’ll go down as the best (only?) slumber party City Hall has ever seen.

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Lower all the bridges on Storrow Drive: This one is just mean, but what would be the point of all this if we didn’t top it off with a timeless prank? And with all the other stuff we’re planning on doing, it’ll be useful to drop these bad boys to about four feet – just short enough that Boston’s police cruisers won’t fit underneath. #Storrowed.

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Merge St. Patrick’s Day and Gay Pride parades: The groups behind these parades don’t always play nice, but Papa Walsh hasn’t been able to sooth the tension yet. Sometime he just has to trust that his kids – er, constituents – can get things done on their own. This will be a good lesson for us that our parents – er, politicians – aren’t always going to be there for us and sometimes we just have to find a way to get along.

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Fire all the meter maids and let Haystack take over parking in Boston: We get it: Monitoring how we use our phones is classic parenting – er, governing – in the 21st century, but did you really think you could get away with banning an app? No offense, but parents are notorious for not understanding new technology, and frankly, Boston parking is a mess. We need this.

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Medical marijuana dispensaries as far as the eye can see: Sorry, Pops, this one was inevitable. We know you “made it very clear’’ that you “don’t want these dispensaries in our city,’’ but at our family meeting – er, election – a couple years back, we all talked it over and agreed that these dispensaries are a good idea. And hey, with no more parking officials taking up windows at City Hall, we know just the place to start handing out prescriptions. Just look at this as one of those moments where we get to teach you a lesson, for once.

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Change the locks on city hall and deny him entrance until he revives his quest to make “Roadrunner’’ the official state song: When a father tries to prove that he’s still “in touch’’ with the hip crowd, he taps into that unique combination of endearing effort and cringe-worthy awkwardness. You can’t give in to it all the time, but sometimes it’s a nice gesture to help them feel like they fit in. This was your idea Pops, and we’re going to make sure you see it through.

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Steal the keys to the Duck Boats and throw our own private rolling rally: It’s an unofficial rule, but when your parents are out of of town, you’re obligated to take a joy ride in the family whip. We can always throw the Duck Boats in reverse to take the mileage off, right? Papa Walsh will never know the difference.