13 Rules for Daydreaming About Boats When the Snow Gets to Be Too Much
Even if you’re just imagining it, you should always boat in the proper New England fashion.
Remember what it feels like to go outside and not walk into a wall of cold air or snow? Neither does anyone else in Boston. But the New England Boat Show is going on this week, offering a welcome mental vacation from the winter wasteland we’re inhabiting.
Teaching sailing and crewing on sailboats for eight summers in Rockport harbor off the coast of Maine, I instructed young sailors in the ways of the wind, gave them tips about not getting hit in the head by the boom (more on that—including what a boom is—later), and showed them the best method for throwing a water balloon far distances. I also got really good at administering first aid and watching Muppet Treasure Island on rainy days. (We tried showing Jaws once; it didn’t go over well.)
When one needs to remember that winter won’t last forever, imagine you’re making your way through the waves in a sailboat. Also pretend that Bill Murray is in the boat, because imagination is the best.
If you don’t know what you’re doing in said sailboat, here are 15 basic rules to make your make-believe the best—and most New England-y—it can be.
1. If you’re in a motor boat, and you’re moving, don’t keep the fenders out. Fenders are the plastic buoys you hang from the rail of the boat when you dock, ensuring that you don’t scratch the hull (Figure [1]) of your vessel. If they’re kept over the rails once you’ve started to move, no one will ever take you seriously as a boater, and your dreams of growing up to be Christopher Walken’s character in Wedding Crashers will die.
2. A sailboat has many parts. Sailors are known for making the best of what they have, so in that spirit, here is a diagram drawn with a ballpoint pen on a legal pad identifying the basic components of a boat.
Figure [1]
3. When you’re in a sailboat that has a tiller (see Figure [1]) instead of a steering wheel, you must push the tiller in the opposite direction of where you want to go.
4. Don’t forget to duck when you tack a sailboat (which means you’re turning the boat in the opposite direction), the boom (see Figure [1]) swings across the boat and can deliver NFL-caliber concussions.
5. Don’t try to dress all boat-y. Boat shoes are fine, but don’t go out and buy a pair of searsucker pants or a belt with lobsters embroidered on them just because you’ll be on a boat.
6. Now that you know the don’ts,do wear warm layers. My grandfather referred to the ocean as “The Great Refrigerator,’’ and he wasn’t wrong. Even if it’s a bajillion degrees at home, it will be cold once you get far from the heat-radiating land.
If you’re reading this because you don’t know how to sail, you shouldn’t be so far from land in the first place. I’m worried for your safety. Thank goodness this is a daydream or you’d be flirting with disaster.
7. Wear sunglasses. A doctor once said that the fastest way to cataracts is to sail without sunglasses on. Also, wear sunscreen. Even if it’s cloudy.
8. If you’re borrowing someone’s motor boat, fill it up with gas when you’re done. That’s also known as “being a decent human.’’
9. Don’t hit other boats.
10. Don’t hit other people. Use your words.
11. Bring snacks. You will never be hungrier than when you’re on a boat. Goldfish, peanut M&Ms, and those little Entenmann’s doughnuts are all great choices. Grapes are good, too, and you can throw them at other people in your boat when they start to annoy you.
12. When the other people in your boat start to annoy you (unless they were annoying to begin with and you were just using them for their boat), it’s time to head back in.
13. Get some actual instruction before you actually go sailing. This has all just been a dream.
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